[belleinblue1978]

Yes first parents need to be held to the same standard. I do think however that people need to remember that as with any relationship, this one will ebb and flow. Even though I maintain contact fairly consistantly, that doesn't mean I like it, nor is it comfortable for me. I do it for my son.

I think one of the hardest things for all of the adult parties to remember is that there are things that there is NO WAY anyone can anticipate happening. In my case, there is no way that anyone could have anticipated that my firstfamily would choose to not have contact with me, therefore multiplying my adoption related grief. I could really use some time not focusing on any of it, but that won't happen, because I have made a commitment to my son.

I don't think there is anything wrong with modifying the kind of contact that you want. Pre adoptive parents are often given the advice to agree to the minimum amount of contact that they are comfy with. I wish that first parents were given this advice as well. Who would have known that I really wouldn't enjoy spending time around my kiddo's mom when we matched? I do it for him, but I don't enjoy so visits can be tortourous for me. And who would have known that I would break up with my boyfriend and I wouldn't have that support system? I now visit alone and come home to an empty house after a long drive. I didn't anticipate those things when we discussed our contact agreement.

I think that both parties have the right to modify agreements as their life changes. Closing an adoption isn't fair. My son's parents have cut his first dad out of his life. I don't like him granted, and I would only allow limited contact if I was raising kiddo, but what they are doing isn't fair either. He was never proactive, but neither are they.

It is so twisted and confusing and I've rambled.....