[Jackiejdajda]

Sstuart

I hate going to the doctor as well and I am a nurse. I believe mine comes from my mom who also hated it and did not go for over 40 years--until she backed her car into the neighbors house--- and then had a stroke...

My mom did not like doctors.. and when I was a kid and sick in bed they would call the doctor (house calls in those days) and the doctor would say I was okay.. I do not know if he took it upon himself to say that I was lying about being sick.. but I was the butt of their jokes about how they had to pay money for the doctor and I was cheating..
A source of shame..

I hate going even though I am in good health as well. My only problem is that I am overweight.

Weight and not being perfect is maybe part of this..
When I was pregnant with bson I worked as a stewardess.. I thought I was going to have an abortion so I got a job after I ran home to Florida from Boston..
I lived on Grand Bahamas Island.. and worked till I was six months pregnant.. I saved money and paid for my hiding out motel when I showed..
But there was terror that I showed.. The outfits were fitted..

I gained weight when I had my daughter in /75.. My mom said to me.. “Jackie how are you going to keep your husband?”
Not perfect.. not right.. all wrong.. failure..

But I hate hearing it EVERY time I go to the doctor---DUH I know I am fat--but they try to blame every problem on my weight and I got news--Not everything is related to weight.. but oh well.. I at least go and hate every minute of it.

We have been snowed in all winter.. and I have not moved around much.. I tend to sit and work on my needlepoint.. and I know I am in terrible shape.. And I hate being told I need to exercise..
And I keep taking my thinking to "I am lazy" and working it till I am depressed.. ah.. on re reading my posts I am thinking I am looking for depression..

I had to tell my OB that I had my DD because I had a C-section. But I cried at my second visit feeling guilty for even being able to have a baby and be happy about it.

Never let them see you cry.. Never break down and blubber (moms words).. lie and pretend..
Telling the lie pulls the rug..

Oceans

I have learned (through adoption) to be an overly "private" person and keep most everything to myself. Going to the Dr. is exposing. I hate it too. It triggers feelings of vulnerability and secrecy.

That’s it.. Vulnerable and shame.. After I had the baby I was in a ward and a priest came and said prayers over me.. poor me.. poor poor me..

Plus, now that I'm over 40, every doc I see is interested in placing my breasts between two pieces of glass and seeing how flat they can make 'em.

It hurts doesn’t it.. and I hate my body.. and I hate showing it..

Taramayrn

Now how does one "get past" the phobia?

When I was locked in my home.. in the late eighties.. I can remember posting on a board about how I was afraid to go.. and this person replied by saying.. “They are trained on how to handle people like you.”
That helped that time.. but I am back to worry worry worry..

I do know from my books.. that this will pass.. my fear will pass once I am there and out the door after the ordeal..
My husband a few years back had to go through hospitals and all the terrible things that happen when arteries are blocked.. chest pains etc..
I live in terror of that.. I hope and pray that never happens to me..

Kdecrow

Would it help at all to see a female Dr?

Its no longer fear of abuse.. I got past that one.. I sat in a doctors office once and told him about what had happened.. It was an intake thing to get free therapy.. from a doctor.. not a therapist..
I told him and the poor man opened the door half way through the telling. He probably worried that I would freak out..

That doctor was evil.. heck he was doing illegal abortions.. and he was busted.. there were headlines in the Miami Herald.. Someone told on him.. He was a busy fellow..

I did a stint with all female doctors.. and I guess I was better with them.. but out here in the country I have to go to a male.. we have a shortage of doctors in Canada.. and you get what you can..
He is my husbands doctor and now he is mine.. I do not know what he is going to want from me..

Tornadoes are terrible things..
I will never forget traveling to Miami through Florida on the greyhound bus and a woman being terrified of a storm heading the busses way..

Kakuehl

He never comments on my weight unless I've lost a pound or two.

I can not allow a doctor to weigh me.. I worry that I will end up with an eating disorder again..
I was bulimic for years after I had my daughter.. in /75.
I would weigh myself and then head for the bathroom.. in hope of getting rid of the extra pounds..
I ended up with a kidney stone.. I told the doctor at the emergency.. that I was bulimic and he said to me..”Well it hasn’t worked has it.”
Shame again..
I think the key is shame here..

I am ashamed of me..

I am going to think on this.. thanks everyone for sharing..
I go on Thursday at 9.20..
I will run from that place with my prescription held greedily in my hand..
That’s the thing about getting old.. you got to have your pills..
They have leverage..

Jackie