[Stormster]

To be frank, I used to be very uncomfortable talking about the pain of birth mothers because I felt that in my journey I too had experienced massive pain but here, on these boards which are such a huge part of my day, that pain is often pushed aside. I also felt that anyone, including birth mothers, who were fertile and could have children were better off than I. That is why I reacted the way I did to the concept of "gain" because the cost had been so great to me physically, emotionally, financially. Yes I have a child now but in so many ways I grieve too. Every day. And for more than one child. More than five children. I was not able to give birth to four of them and one of them is another woman's child.

And I would tell myself well this is a site about ADOPTION but then that didn't work either because for me it was all part of the adoption...this long journey toward motherhood chock full of miscarriages and operations and scams and heartbreak.

But now I realize what Tamaryn said which is: I think it's so important to remember in open adoption that bmom has her pain and her loss and while you need to be empathetic towards her and that, it's not your fault that she is hurting. The loss and gain can be seperate from the actual relationship, not adoption as a whole, but the relationship between the parents. Does that make sense?

This means that MY pain too can be separate.

So what I take from that is we are EACH entitled to our own pain but yes, in the adoption there is someone who clearly loses something. And in my own way, I can see that my experiences, while devastating, had endings I can grieve for. I'm still not comfortable comparing pain but I am much more in touch with the reality of the situation.