Hi all. Forgive me as I am new at this, and haven't sat down to share my feelings with ANYONE (save for my husband, who went through everything with me) since I placed my baby for adoption in Feb of 2007.
I have no idea how to start talking about this, so I'll just go with what comes out of my fingers.
This is excruciatingly difficult for me as I have many mixed feelings about what went on, and I worry that many of the experiences I had (and my feelings now, after the fact) are NOT normal. I sometimes worry if I'm messed up, abnormal or possibly in denial?
What little I've read online, and even here....it seems there are many birth mothers who endure a lot of pain, guilt, and a sense of loss after placing their babies. I experienced NONE of that.
What I did experience was a lot of shock, anger, despair & dread when I discovered I was pregnant. Much of my pregnancy was a very dark time in my life....I was probably in one of the worst mental states I have ever been in (there were other factors involved NOT related to the pregnancy). I ranged from depressed, to self-destructive, to downright suicidal. I've got no history of mental issues & have generally been a pretty resilient & happy person other than those 9 months.
I guess I should point out that I have never wanted to have kids. Never. Not even as a little girl- I did not play with dolls, never played house, when the teachers asked us to draw pictures of ourselves "all grown up" I drew myself with a big house and a bunch of dogs!
I have never been fond of kids. Other people (especially those who don't know me well) have always been fond of saying "you'll change your mind" or "It'll be different when it's your OWN kid". Yet I've stayed firm on my position my whole life....and I have to say, nothing changed when I gave birth to & held my own baby, except to further convince me that motherhood is NOT a job I am equipped for.
My pregnancy came during a very difficult time in my & my husband's life. He and I are alike in our goals, ambitions and our desire NOT to have children. I was fearful at first that he would be angry and reject me when I got pregnant but looking back, I cannot believe how irrational that fear was. He was more than wonderful throughout the whole ordeal.
Abortion had been discussed as an option, but due to the fact that I was 5 months along before I actually took a pregnancy test (I had NO symptoms beyond my missed period, which was NOT something unusual for me, I have never had a regular cycle and once skipped my period for 11 months)....abortion was not an option mainly due to the cost factor. It wasn't until I was 7 or 8 months along that I *could* have afforded it, and by then there were no laws in the US that would have permitted it.
I was 8 months pregnant when I called an adoption agency. I'd had NO pre-natal care & now that I had the financial support of the agency, I couldn't find a doctor who would examine a pregnant woman 8 months along with no prior history of care.
Contacting the agency was a big relief however...they were wonderful & supportive and my husband and I did take a lot of pleasure in selecting a family. For the first time in 8 months, I actually had positive feelings about my pregnancy and the plan we were making for this baby. Until that point, my baby was just "this darn thing in my belly that's making me miserable". Selecting a family for the baby made me realize it was NOT the baby's fault he was concieved by the last people on earth who were capable of raising him.....and he DESERVED the best possible family & life I could possibly give him. For the first time I felt GOOD about the future.
Since I'd had no pre-natal, we had no clue when my due date was....but a "best guess" put me around Feb 10. Early in the morning on Feb 10, my water broke....and I had a relatively normal, uneventful delivery (that's what THEY say....it was horrific for ME!) My baby boy was nearly 10 lbs and he ripped me open from one end to the other...but he was healthy.
My whole life everyone had told me "You may not like kids, but when you hold your own little baby in your arms for the first time, everything changes".
To be fair, I wanted to take the opportunity to do just this....just to make SURE I wasn't going to look into his face and suddenly change my mind. The state law gave me a mandatory 48 hours before I was allowed to sign any adoption papers, so I took advantage of it and spent as much time feeding & holding my baby as I could manage.
Every time I held him & thought about changing my mind & keeping him, I felt sadness and despair. Not for me, but for him. I did have a feeling of wanting to nurture & protect this little baby, but I also felt empty & inadequate, as if I KNEW to the depths of my soul that I was unable to do the job myself. By keeping him I felt like I'd be doing him a grave disservice. Every time I thought of his potential life with the family we'd chosen, I felt positive & happy about his life and his future.
There was never any question in my mind about my decision. I worried my husband would have second thoughts- but he remained supportive & to this day says he has no regrets either. 48 hours later I signed the papers, was discharged from the hospital. My husband and I continued on with our lives. No regrets. No guilt. Just a feeling of RELIEF and the feeling that we'd truly made the right choice.
We've gotten pictures & updates on "Charlie" periodically, and he's doing well. I haven't communicated with his adoptive parents because I really don't know what to say or where to start.
*whew*.....Sorry this has been so long....this is just the first time I've happened across a forum like this & I really need to hear from people who have been through this as well. Am I totally screwed up for having no maternal emotions? Anyone else experience anything like I did? Let me have it! (well, be nice please
Thanks in advance!