[MB80sgirl]

It's been almost a year since our disruption & I was reading my posts, remembering all the difficult emotions & all that's happened since then. The little girl was finally diagnosed with cerebral palsy, mental retardation, & seizures, & she went to her new home at the end of May. We were able to find wonderful parents for her who love special needs children & see them as gifts. Since then she's had even more problems the last I heard-sleep apnea, a heart problem, & might need to be tube fed. I dont know how the agency staff could have not known there was something wrong. I feel we did the right thing but not everyone else does. My best friend of 5 years stopped speaking to me (she said we could use her as a reference for our home study & she backstabbed us by writing to the social worker that she wouldnt recommend us as parents. That really hurt me as you can imagine but luckily we had enough good references to offset it) & my online support group kicked me out. I'm moving on though. This experience brought me closer to my husband, I'm very lucky it didnt destroy our marriage. We moved into a new house for a fresh start. We went on a second honeymoon in June & in July we had a home study update. We finally received our approval in November & signed on with an agency. In August I started a part time job. We were going to be matched with a birthmother in January, but she disappeared before we paid anything, & we're still waiting. The waiting is so hard! I've learned I'm not entitled to a quick & easy adoption to make up for the difficulty we had in the past! I'm worried we'll never get matched & no birth mother will ever pick us. I think that's one of the reasons we chose international the 1st time, that the agency picks for you, & you dont have to wait for the birthmother to pick you. Sometimes it makes me feel so insecure when I think about the couples getting picked & how much better than us they myust be, even though the agency people tell me not to feel that way. I'm still going to counseling to help deal with my feelings. I wish we'd hurry up & get matched but I want the right baby this time, the one we can keep in our family forever & finally get our happy ending. I just wanted to let everyone know what happened to me & let others in this heartbreaking situation know you're not alone, life goes on, & you can get approved to adopt again.