Thank you for this post. I am fascinated by the responses which are so thoughtful and yet so unlike my own reaction. I am almost a little fearful to share my opinion, so please know that I do it respectfully and humbly, my mind could be swayed to think otherwise...
My thought is that your sister is an adult. Contacting an adult in my mind is universally okay so long as it is done kindly and respectfully. Here is why I think so: You are not responsible for your bmom. You are not responsible for what she may or may not have told your sister. You are not responsible for your sisters reaction, or her relationship with her mother before or after.
What you
are responsible for however, is to communicate honestly and kindly your intentions in a direct way to whomever it is you would like to contact. In order to do this you need to really reflect on who it is you are really hoping to know. In other words, getting to your bmom through your bsister for example, would be dishonest and not direct. (I am not at all saying that is what you are doing - just using that as an example)
Your responsiblity also is to act in a respectful manner. For example, contacting someone privately, not at their place of work. Basically, I feel that if you behave respectfully it is perfectly okay for you to contact anyone you wish, priving s/he is an adult, without asking permission, notifying, or warning anyone.
I really want to check in with you all on my thoughts here? Does anyone else feel this way? Am I missng soemthing that I should be taking into consideration? Please help me to understand different points of view.
Thanks! And I really hope you will let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out. I wish you much strength and patience through this process whatever you decide.
