[sak9645]

...and you can't go wrong by choosing it. The main drawback is that it is a bit long these days, although China is trying to reduce the wait.

It is always smart to think about the challenges of transracial adoption. Some people make the decision that they cannot handle them. On the other hand, those of us who are parenting Chinese children know that we wouldn't change things for a minute!

When you adopt transracially, you become very conspicuous. EVERYONE knows how you formed your family. Some very private people are uncomfortable with this. My daughter and I are not very private people; we'll talk about adoption anywhere, anytime!

Some of the people who see you will ask you very nosy questions at very inappropriate times, such as in the checkout line at the supermarket. People who wouldn't DARE ask you whether you had a vaginal delivery or a C-section will not hesitate to ask such questions as how much the adoption cost, whether the child was abandoned, whether he/she is "normal", etc. Again, this can be disconcerting. And the questions come when your child is present, even if he/she is old enough to understand and be upset. We don't really mind the questions, because some of the questioners are asking because they are beginning to consider adoption or have a family member who is in process; they have worries and concerns, and I try to address them. However, I also have some nice, general answers for the nosiest of them, so that I don't have to discuss family finances and such. I plan on taking my daughter through a program called "WISE Up", which helps kids learn how to handle very personal questions about their adoption story, although she's doing very well on her own, at this point.

Some people ask really stupid questions, too; it's annoying, but mainly you have to resist laughing out loud. Before I decided to place my daughter in a private, religious school when she reached kindergarten age, I went to enroll her in public school. She was with me and chattering away as usual. Despite the fact that I told the school that my daughter came home when she was 18 months old, and despite the fact that she was talking nonstop, beautiful English -- she is bright and exceedingly verbal -- at least four people insisted that I fill out a form about getting her ESOL help, since she was from another country. And we were living in Washington, DC, which has a huge adoption community! (We have since moved to a very Asian neighborhood in suburban Maryland.) There have been families in the U.S. who have been asked if their children only eat Chinese food, if their infants speak Chinese or English (actually, they just say "Bababababa"), and so on. There have also been families who have been asked why they adopted a Communist; sorry, but even at 7, my daughter isn't reading the words of Chairman Mao yet!

When you adopt transracially or transculturally, you need to get to know other families that look like yours. If you are already ferrying kids to soccer practice, ballet lessons, birthday parties, sleepovers, and school play rehearsals, you may not really want to add yet another set of "travel" requirements; nonetheless, it is really important for you to join adoptive family organizations, such as Families With Children From China, and participate in their celebrations of holidays, their playgroups, their culture camps, and so on.

When you adopt transracially or transculturally, you need to find positive role models of your child's race or ethnicity, too. If you happen to live in a diverse area, this may not be difficult; however, you really need to think about how you will accomplish this if you live in an area where Asian faces are singularly lacking. It's nice to watch Michelle Kwan compete in ice skating, but it's even nicer to have Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, and Japanese neighbors, as we do; some transracially adoptive families actually move to more racially mixed neighborhoods, for this reason. My daughter is particularly enamored of a Japanese man, and has frequent "dates" with him -- particularly important, since we are a single parent family. (Hiroshi and his Caucasian wife have bio teens and have been foster parents; they are safe and nurturing, and we are blessed to know them.)

There is racism in our society. Parents who adopt Black kids often have the hardest time raising their children to have positive self-image, because they know that their son will be followed by security guards if he goes into a store; the prevailing image is that Black males will be thieves, drug users/pushers, fighters, sexually aggressive, etc. They know that their pre-puberty daughter, who barely knows the facts of life, will be assumed to be promiscuous and interested in having a baby, not in education.

But Asian kids are subjected to bias, too; it's just more subtle. As an example, you will hear people say that "all" Asians are smart, good in math, clean, and respectful. Well if your Chinese child happens to be good in art, but terrible in math, she's going to have a tough time meeting the academic expectations and feel terrible about it; fortunately, we don't have the problem as Becca is a great student, but many people do. And if your child happens to act like any modern kid -- occasionally noisy and messy -- that's good; the "China doll" stereotype is inappropriate for a self-confident young woman in our day and age. When you adopt an Asian child, you have to deal with the stereotypes and help your child reach his/her full potential despite them.

My daughter is greatly loved by all the families we know. And I've actually had parents of boys get upset when Becca (now 7) and their sons no longer play together as they pursue different interests; they seem to have been interested in having a Chinese daughter in law. However, in adolescence, racism MAY mean that some children will be pressured by their families not to pursue a dating relationship with your Chinese child. This may be hard for your child to accept, and you will need to be able to cope with his/her feelings.

Every family seems to have at least one bigot in it. Maybe it's grandpa who fought in a war against Asians and sees them as the enemy, using words like "gook" to describe them. Maybe it's an aunt whose Black cleaning lady is the only non-White she's ever gotten to know, and who makes it clear that she thinks Blacks are inferior. Maybe it's a great aunt who wants to include in a family picture only those children related by biology, and not those related by adoption. It is very difficult for an adoptive family to deal with a bigoted relative. Yet you must do so in a way that lets your child know that you will NOT tolerate anything short of full acceptance of him/her in your family, and that you will NOT tolerate bigotry in general. Unfortunately, that may mean not inviting the bigot to Thanksgiving dinner, even if it is your father in law, unless he can watch his mouth and not use racial/ethnic slurs, or refusing to go to a Christmas party where your grandma gives gifts only to her bio grandkids. It is painful, but it's part of adopting transracially.

Becca is my only child. However, I know many people with both bio and adopted children. You have to recognize that, by adopting transracially or transculturally, your whole family becomes biracial and bicultural. Most families proceed by getting EVERYONE involved in activities related to celebrating the adopted child's heritage. As an example, the bio child may be given a Chinese outfit just like his/her sibling's, to wear to the Chinese New Year party. The bio child may take Chinese lessons with the adopted child. The bio child may learn Chinese cookery with Mom, or help to pick out Chinese artwork for the house. The bio child may go to "culture camp" with the adopted child. And so on. The bio child, in turn, can be helped to understand his/her own ethnic roots and to appreciate how, for example, his own bio ancestors came from Russia or Germany or Ireland and had to learn the customs of their newly adopted country. Your adopted child will become proud of these special ancestors, too.

In many cases, it helps if an older bio child comes to China with his/her parents, when they travel to adopt. The child can see the country for himself/herself, and may bring back lots of memories and souvenirs. This will really help when he/she must present projects in class, and will also help when he/she hears comments like, "She isn't your 'real' sister" or "China kills baby girls." Most non-adopted siblings become real pros at sticking up for these siblings when their heritage is under attack.

There is always going to be sibling rivalry, even when there are two bio children. A house with bio and adopted kids is no different. Sometimes, the message is a little different, as in, "Mom, why do we have to do all this Chinese stuff? You must like him/her better than me." But the response is the same; the parent simply has to be as evenhanded as possible, celebrating the achievements and personality of all the children, and has to reassure both children that they are loved and valued.

In short, there ARE challenges to those who wish to parent transracially or transculturally. But there are also great joys to being a bicultural family. Your own horizons get broadened, as you add your child's heritage to your own, for one thing. I find my life so much richer today than it was before I adopted, partly because I am a Mom, and partly because we have turned into an American Chinese Jewish family! Some of my own best friends now are adoptive families, and my house is often filled with delightful little Chinese girls, as well as with kids of other sorts, both bio and adopted. Talk to a lot of adoptive parents, and you'll find that they wish they could adopt a dozen more! I know that I do!

Sharon