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I got teary eyed reading your post as I could have written it a year or so ago. We also adopted older children (6 and 7 at adoption) and had a 9 year old at home (my bio). The stress was all encompassing. A few thought that I've had in the last two years that have helped solidify that I'm not crazy...
These children are so different from me - they simply are. They have gone through so much trauma and I totally look up to them for what they've been able to get through...but it changes them from young vunerable children into very "able-to-care" for themselves people. You expect children to need you. They don't always! That was very hard. Trying to insert myself into their lives took a lot of work. Parenting is not my "best" asset. I had always been very organized, but somewhat "hands off". I had to change that with them in order to form an attachment. It was hard to suddenly give up nearly all my time to be with children who didn't always want me with them. Home over two years now...and there are still days where I wonder how they got here?
I, personally, think that it's OK to feel guilty for a time. Work through it - but DO NOT beat yourself up. Humans have differing responses to things. I have been attacked for announcing my real feelings - not on this forum...but on others. I have been told that I am not fit to parent these children because I couldn't just LOVE them from second one. It hurt to have others say those things. I felt a lot of guilt. I have bi-polar and OCD, so I know where you are coming from there. I am on medication (a great one, PM me if you are interested) and it does change a lot for me. Admitting I had a problem bigger than I could "deal with" was a big step.
The worst time for me was when I had the thoughts of hurting myself or others. Of course, I never acted on those thoughts - but I know that I wasn't a very good mother during those times. I, too, was unfeeling - creating a wall around myself. I think that everyone in my house paid a dear price for my issues.
I'm certainly not perfect now either...nor would I want to be. We are getting there - all of us. After two years, I can say that I love my children. Do I totally "get them"? Nope. Should I? I don't know. I can listen and hug and try to talk it out. That's the best I can do. I think sometimes just sitting down and playing a board game is what they want from me - and I can do that too!
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