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Fake it till you make it is one big key...Watch for attachment disorder signs as they can sometimes trigger PADS in people. Also, do attachment based parenting (works nboth ways) amd remember even a bio mom can have panicky "not my baby" feelings....and THEY got 9 months to bond before actually doing the job.
Don't expect too much from yourself...these kids ARE strangers...Adoption is closer to an arranged marriage than almost anything else...especially with an older child (let alone 2!) and their personalities are fully formed...you also don't get your "mother nurturing instinct" triggered with an older child, like you do with a baby. A baby doesn't have attitude, and isn't vying for it's independance like an older child. Plus, if you're like me, you had 10 years of solitary marriage you were used to.... now you're job description and "groove" has shifted completely and you are literally living a life that hasn't been YOURS. My sister adequately described that part as "new job jitters" ....Also, receiving insincere affection or manipulative affection can cause you to recoil emotionally....and if you're aware of it, it doesn't affect you as bad. I would say it took 9 months before feeling any sort of "reward"...give it time, and give yourself permission to have this transition period.
Once you lay off the guilt, you can focus on figuring out your new job. Also kep your expectations LOW. I told myself I deserved praise at the end of each day that I was able to feed my daughter an basically keep her alive...after 2 months I praised myself for feeding her, keeping her alive, and making sure she was getting half the required sleep.....another month and I was proud to do all that and take her on a weekly excursion (a playground, grocery store, wal-mart...etc)
I also took time for myself.....gave myself permission to read while she played....watched cartoons with her...did a puzzle once a week or so with her. It's been 3 years now, and I am nowhere near the image of parenting I once had in my brain, by we are starting to enjoy doing things together like cooking and shopping...
Give yourself a mantra to repeat everytime you start to feel like an alien .... Something positive like.... "I am doing a good job, this will feel like my life after some time has passed and it's ok to take time to get to know my children, every parent needs time to get to know thier children. I'm just new at my job and it will get easier as time passes and I become more familiar with my new job"
I used to set the timer on my watch to buzz every hour to remind me to go hug my dd. because the antural urge to cuddle her simply wasn't there. It's what I needed to do. No reason to feel bad about it...Ask anyone who has adopted a sibling group right off the bat, or an older child...it rarely fits like a glove at first...everyone needs time and space to get used to the idea of their new life.
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