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From what you've said, it sounds to me that you're on the right track. I'd take what your friend says with a grain of salt and possibly think she feels guilty about something with her parenting. Perhaps talk with her and see why she feels that way besides the whole not sharing any genes thing, which as we know is a bunch of hog-wash.
It sounds like your expectations are similar to what I have for my DD, and I'm not worried about my parenting! I think a lot has to do with personalities as well. For example, my SIL is much more laid back in her parenting (and I see pros and cons to that!) while I have more structure in mine. From what I see, my DD and her cousins are loved just as much and are just as happy... but I also see where my daughter has more self discipline, can handle structure, and doesn't bat an eye at expectations while her cousins appear to be spoiled and un-disciplined and don't want to listen when the time comes (I've also seen my SIL resort to threats of punishment to get her kids to behave where as DD knows "the look" from me).
So again, from what you've told us, it sounds to me like your doing a fine job.
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