[Lynard1210]

Thanksgiving mom, I have read in adoption books that it is more likely in a relative adoption that secrets are kept about bmom than in a non-relative adoption. I have a friend who is 45 and has just found out he is the family secret. He doesn't know all the details, but is pretty sure he is related to his family somehow. Jack Nicholson is a good example - his bmom was his sister but he didn't find out until middle age. What I find amazing is that relatives can delude themselves enough to believe that someone else in the family hasn't already dropped the bomb. Cousins are notorious for telling each other these things. All it takes is one child to overhear an adult talking about it and it gets repeated. I feel the best insurance against this type of problem is telling as early as possible . . . I started when my daughter was almost 3. Today she said, "I'm adopted." And I said, "yes". And then she said, "daddy is adopted" and I said No, but mommy is. And then she said the dog is adopted and I agreed. Then she said the cat was adopted and I agreed and then we briefly talked about growing in another mommy's tummy. Any time she brings up the word "adoption", we talk about it. The way we introduced "adoption" was when she fell in love with the book "Rescuers". I didn't realize the main character, Penny, gets adopted at the end of the story because it doesn't say that in the book. But after we bought her the movie, it talks about Penny getting adopted. It was perfect! She already loved the movie so she kept talking about how Penny was adopted and she was adopted. 3 year olds cannot grasp the concept of adoption or birth moms, but I still show her pictures of her birthmom and call her her "tummy mommy". Eventually it will all click and it won't be shocking or strange because it was discussed as non-chalantly as the weather is.