[Jackiejdajda]

bak2basik welcome welcome.. to this place.. I am glad you are here..
I have written a book in reply.. the snow is coming and we are about to be snowed in.. so I seem to be in a mood to share..

I bought a copy of Peyton Place when I was about 14 and read it thoroughly, the shocking parts, twice. Less than 2 years later I was pregnant and headed for a maternity home. The difference for me is that my own 'birthmother' is the one who put me in that home. Unknown to me, my adoptive parents had known her all along (big secret #1) and basically turned me over to her when this happened, assuming, I suppose, that she would know more about what to do since my 'birthmother' herself had me in a maternity home. I also believe they wanted to wash their hands of the shame they felt I had brought to them.

The no feeling rule was in effect..

Hiding the secrets was more important.. I was sent for an abortion.. I had to go to various doctors office and ask them for an abortion when it was not legal.. What a horrible experience it was.. So ashamed..

Shame is such a manipulator.. one can do anything with a person if one shames them.. and not just surface shame.. Shame that can be modified and fixed.. not that.. Just you are shame.. your very being is shame..

And you do not deserve to be told the truth.. whew.. and you can not tell others the truth..
What a terrible terrible message..

After it was 'over', my birthmother's term for my baby's birth, I was ordered to not tell anyone about it. (Big secret #2) I was ordered that if I gained weight during pregnancy, I could not stay with the 'birthmother' afterward because people would know I'd had a baby.

I was a stewardess when I was pregnant.. I could not show.. and in those times the outfits were fitted..
I went till six months before I showed.. then I could not pull it off any more..
I sat in a motel all alone and ate.. food.. comforted myself with food..
My mom and dad would visit in secret..
After I had my son.. I was still heavy.. big tummy and my not pregnant clothes did not fit..
I had to exercise and I had to get back into thin shape so I could get back to work.. not good enough.

The threat of having no where to go.. I still to this day live in terror of that..
I had to hide in my parents apartment till I did not look fat.. big.. like I had had a baby..

I attended a new school in a new state and I was watched like a hawk by my 'birthmother' when I was allowed to date because she seemed to be afraid I'd get pregnant again and she would be to blame this time. There was never any mention again about my baby. And I tried as hard as I could to do what my 'birthmother' wanted because I so wanted her to like me.

Its like you were a non person.. I did not date after I relinquished.. my mom told me to pretend I was a virgin..
I shake my head when I think of it now..

I babysat her kids after school so she could take a job. I babysat on Friday and Saturday nights so she and her husband could go out. I was allowed to get a driver's license but rarely allowed to drive their cars. I was responsible for cleaning the house, preparing dinner every night and doing the dishes, ironing the children's clothes, putting my 1/2 sister (7) to bed every night. I lived a very austere existence for my senior year of high school because my 'birthmother' turned me into live in help. I often had to take my neighbor and best friend with me on dates (chaperone, I guess) and my boyfriend even took my younger brothers and sisters with us to basketball games because I was babysitting. And, get this, my adoptive parents PAID my 'birthmother' to let me live there for the 15 months after my baby was born and lost to adoption.

Again it was like you were a non person..
How does one get over this.. I just wrote in another thread that I still have a hard time with connecting emotionally with people.
With my husband.. When the going gets very tough I know I need to pull back and go into my own resources.. I do not expect help..
Emotional help.. a hug and a here’s some love.. and off you go..

And I think that was gotten across in the book.. everyone bouncing off each other and secrets and lies the main thing.. Love only in secret.. Alison and her mom..
What a terrible way to live..

Then, the day after I graduated from high school, without warning, my 'birthmother' told me I was going back with my adoptive parents to visit and not coming back. She threw me out because, in her words, 'she had done what she had to do and it was time for her to concentrate on her family and her life and fix the wreckage I had caused.'

I am so sorry.. that must have been terrible to go through..
I can not imagine the rejection that you must have felt..

But guess who was the biggest curious bystander when I found my son 24 years later. My 'birthmother', of course. The day she met him, she came into the room and immediately gave him a hug. It turned my stomach because this same 'grandmother' had tried mightily to abort him with strange pills and horseback rides and quinine in the months before he was born. And when he and I spoke to the newspaper for an article about our reunion, my 'birthmother' angrily told me that I was selfish and had no consideration for others. She told me to never call her again and I learned she was worried that the article would make mention that I was also adopted and she didn't want to explain that to people she worked with because she'd been getting alot of mileage out of my reunion story. I told her to tell them SHE adopted me, if it was such a big deal

.

Anger.. how do you process that kind of anger..
I know acting it out helps nothing.. yelling and raging.. but putting up boundaries towards this woman.. protecting yourself.. is key..
Not let her do it to you again..
My mom sent me into an abortion situation that was horrible.. There was a doctor from Cuba (I was in Florida) and he did abortions. I had to go through a check up and my mom said.. ask for it cheaper Jackie.. use your looks.. use your looks.. use your feminine.
Female stuff..

The guy abused me.. and I said nothing.. I fainted after the experience.. but I do not even think I told my mom..
Then he was busted.. headlines in the paper.. he had been abusing others..
I walked right into it.. asked for it..

In spite of all this, or perhaps because of this, I made certain to NEVER be embarrassed or deny my son's existence to anyone. It was difficult some times to tell people who knew me most of my life and let them know I had lied and lived a lie for so long. It was hard to watch their face when they heard my news but I wanted to no longer hide from the truth.

I started telling in the eighties.. Told my sister.. and she non reacted..
She wanted from me in those years.. and now I can not do for her now.. today..
I can not make that extra effort.. I am done with all of them..

My son was more important than what anyone thought about me.

yes

And I'm sure there was some snickering and whispering about me in my small rural hometown when I took my son there to see where I'd grown up. My adoptive mother even asked me if I was certain I really wanted to bring him there so I believe she was worried about what people might say behind her back as well. It was the only time she met him and she wanted to cook what he liked and have us around although I did decide we should stay at a motel in a nearby town rather than her house. I've never regretted that little trip. I refused to apologize to anyone for my son's existence and it got easier as time went by.

You started getting strong and you asserted yourself.. put up a boundary.. told them no..

That trip to my hometown was 20 years ago now and my son died in 1995.

I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible thing to happen..

We made the most of 8 short years together and talked on the phone several times a week. I made many trips to visit him and he visited my home once staying 3 weeks. I didn't have time to be shamed or embarrassed because I was so happy to have him in my life. I introduced him as my son and he always introduced me as his mother and it was fun to watch reactions as people tried to figure out the details.

Good on you..

As a teenager who had just found my own 'birthmother', I tried hard to please her and consequently, lost my own baby to make her happy.

Why didn’t we fight them.. that is what I ponder..
We (some of us as always) wanted love.. and acceptance.. I got pregnant in Boston I was living there on my own.. but when I knew I was in trouble I ran home.. where my parents were living at that time.. I should have stayed in Boston I think.. asked for help.. but no.. I went home to mom and dad and wanted needed.. their love..
Condemnation is what I got.. I could not tell my father.. mom had to tell him and he never spoke with me about it.. my pregnancy..
Moms solution was abortion..

Fortunately, I grew up a great deal in 24 years and no longer needed my 'birthmother' or anyone's approval of how I conducted my life. My adoptive parents and I always had alot of friction and I never worried about pleasing them as much. In recent years, I realize that I felt reasonably sure that my adoptive parents would not abandon me (although there were some threats at the time of my pregnancy) but I was far less certain about my 'birthmother's' feelings for me. Unfortunately for me, my 'birthmother' did emotionally abandon me several times after our reunion, the first being when she tried to abort my baby and then put me in a maternity home. After more than 30 years of push-pull with my 'birthmother', I finally took a stand with and am no longer in contact with her.

I do not think she deserves.. Sometimes here someone will post about taking care of an aging parent and how difficult it is..
Nursing homes.. etc..
I took care of my dad.. along with my sister.. in a long term care facility.. it was draining and difficult..
Now my sister wants me to travel and spend money we do not have to go to her daughters wedding.. and I do not can not do it..
I am hiding and feeling guilty.. she phoned.. and I have not answered the message left on the message thingee..

I have finally found a place to hide in.. hide from the world.. and I will not will not.. give it up..
Giving for others beyond what I can give is not on ..

Weddings and legal and rings and all that crap is something I hate.. hate..
Its all pretend.. and now I think of it.. pretentious.. and legal..
Okay I know I am nuts on this one..

Peyton Place became synonomous for secrets back in the '60's and, although I never connected my adoption loss experience with the book at the time, I lived in my own Peyton Place for many years.

I listen to my books.. I download them from audible.. and Peyton Place is available.. I am thinking of listening to it again..
My sister got married.. she had a straight life.. well sort of..
She is real now.. but I can not play the game..

Knots.. RD Laing

They are playing a game. They are playing at not
playing a game. If I show them I see they are, I
shall break the rules and they will punish me.
I must play their game, of not seeing I see the game.

Jackie