[Lynard1210]

We are in a relative adoption and my daughter just turned 3. Her birthmom has no contact by her own choice. However, if she were involved, there would be strict boundaries in place. Under no circumstances would I allow her alone with dd for the simple reason that I don't want her explaining the adoption to our daughter first.(due to history of lies and untrustworthiness). I don't think you have to worry about your mom discussing it since she hasn't told her own son (a very serious issue for your brother and one that you might considering addressing yourself). The tatoo is a non-issue, really. If your daughter notices it, you can simply explain that her birthmom loved her so much that she always wanted to think of her when she looked at her wrist. Sounds silly but let's not blow the tatoo out of proportion. I agree with Kim about the boundary issues. They need to be laid out in a respectful way and if you can't communicate with your sister, then just simply tell her what they are and why. No need to be dramatic or mean - just matter of fact. Once healthier boundaries are in place and as your sister matures, you might be able to talk more openly about what is best for dd and here is a thought, maybe you could all sit down together and tell her her adoption story! Wouldn't that be awesome? I wish I had that option with my daughter, but we don't. My daughter knows she is adopted already at 3. Does she understand its meaning? Not really - but we are laying the groundwork for the future.

I think it's great that the paternal grandparents are involved and I would ignore your sister's dislike for that. You know what is best for your daughter and the boundaries can get blurry as soon as you allow guilt to stop you from doing what you know is best.

Good luck, hang in there and feel free to pm me.
Lynn