[clarie]

Firstly, i am not sure if i have the right to be doing this as it is my Dad who was adopted not me. Although he did not initiate the contact i have made, he has given his consent for me to make contact as he wants to know details but is too insecure and unsure of reaction to do this himself.
This is my story so far: my Dad was adopted 6 weeks after birth, his adoptive Mother, who he was very close to, died when he was 12 yrs and his adoptive Father who did not care for him much after losing his wife died when my Dad was 21 yrs. My Dad is now 60 yrs old. After doing my family tree i became very curious to know the circumstances of my Dad's adoption...he had grown up knowing he was adopted and miraculously remembered his birth name. From this, it took me a year to eventually find out his bmom's current address and phone number (she immigrated from UK to the USA) and also that she is now an 80 yr old lady, married several years after giving my Dad up for adoption with another son born 10 years after my Dad. She still lives with her husband. I also researched into her family a little and know that she gave birther to my Dad as an unmarried mother at age 19, she has several brothers and sisters which i also obtained contact info for. Consulting my Dad all through this, we decided for my Dad to obtain his official adoption records, which he did, and this confirmed all the info i had found and in addition, we found his bdad was a polish soldier stationed in UK, not mentioned on birth cert but mentioned in letters to the adoption court. We were advised by an adoption adviser to have a letter sent to bmom from the advisers as a general enquiry about matters she may be able to help with in a format that it gave her the option to not reveal anything to her husband as we did not know if he is aware of the circumstances or not. This process of obtaining info, having letter sent etc was taking several months and i became impatient with the time taking. After consulting and getting agreement from my Dad, I decided to call the bmom's sister rather than the bmom whose contact details i had obtained. No answer. I called the bmom's brother who did answer and a rather awkward conversation followed. I nervously told him who i was and etc...he denied any knowledge of his sister's teenage birth and gave me a new phone number of another sister (not bmom) saying i should call and discuss this with her. i got the feeling he knew full well about his sister's circumstances but i understand he was uncomfortable talking about it (he is 88 yrs and while he was getting phone number for me i could hear his loud conversation with his wife in which she harshly stated "i knew this would happen sooner or later"...) After this reaction, i felt a bit unsure of what i was doing but decided to call the bmom's sister. Thankfully, this lady who is also elderly at 77 yrs was a huge comfort. Suprised to hear from me after i told her who i was, yet amazingly calm and happy to talk for an hour or so. During the conversation, i learnt that my Dad had been taken to their family home after the birth and he was breastfed and loved by them for 6 weeks. This lady told me my Dad was a beautiful baby and as she shared a bedroom with her sister, she got to hold him and care for him until he was given up for adoption. She told me after the war there was not much money to spare and her sister was young and unmarried. She said she has often thought of him since and recently had been thinking about my Dad alot so she was glad i had called and told her my Dad was ok...i told her about all our family. She also told me that her sister, the bmom, would not likely have told the husband about my Dad but if she had, it has never been discussed since as far as she knows. She thought it unlikely her sister would want to have contact with my Dad but if we want we could visit her when i am back in England (i live in Mexico). This made me a little uneasy as i dont want her keeping secrets from her sister and i told her that and that a letter that had just been sent to her sister and she thought it was a good idea. She did tell me her sister was on holiday and would be back in 2 weeks. That was 3 weeks ago. I spoke to the sister again today. She had decided to tell her sister that i had contacted her and mentioned that there may be a letter arriving, which the bmom confirmed she had recieved. The sister although still friendly, now seemed reserved and told me her sister did not want to know the name of my Dad. She said her conversation with her sister was cut short so she doesnt really know what her sister thinks...and she will likely call her again later in the week. She said as it has been 60 years and they were not expecting "these things to come back an haunt them after mistakes were made a long time ago". I told her i am glad the "mistake" was made or i would not be here...I asked her to tell her sister we do not want to upset her family in any way and there is no pressure for her to contact us and we will not call her directly....i did not want her to panic as the husbnd situation may worry her....we really dont want to upset anyone. I left her with my email address saying if they want to contact me they can. But now i keep going over what she said and feel hurt and confused. I cannot tell my Dad that his bmom does not want to know his name. I cannot even tell him i just had this conversation.... will think and call him tomorrow. I dont know if i made a big mistake by calling the sister, but the first conversation 3 wks ago was great and now everything just turned around. I cannot believe how angry i am at the "mistake and haunting" comment although i know she did not mean to be insensitive, but really.....my Dad did not ask for this situation, he was born into it! I feel like calling the bmom and saying "hey lady....this is the result of your life choices, at least acknowledge your son"...but i know i cannot. I know there are 2 sides to everything and these things are hugely delicate....i know the bmom will have emotions about this too...i know her situation with the husband may be hard....but i guess i still think my Dad deserves a reaction from her...everyone keeps telling me "her feelings, her feelings, her feelings..."...well what about my Dad's feelings?? Maybe i should have left this alone and never started...i am feeling i have made a big mistake or rushed things too much...but she is 80 yrs old and my Grandmother...i am very anxious and confused and cant sit still...any advice would really be appreciated...