[Jackiejdajda]

Quantum

My dad always wanted a grandson, my birthson is his only one.

And now he is going to do the thing of being a grandfather..

Worries, that's a good question. I think it's more about anger for me though. I feel like the 22 years of silence, of me not being allowed to talk about it, are being pushed under the carpet.

Anger points the way..
Anger is not meant to be acted out its meant to be acted upon..

The Artist Way.. Julia Cameron not a direct quote but from memory..

Blowing up and having high blood pressure.. vs.. finding the way to make sure they know that you are angry and that you will not accept what happened.. to you.. on terms of what they did.. with that secrecy keeping crap..

hmmmm

I'm angry that I told them I found him, they seemed happy and then didn't mention it again even though I was visiting them at the time.

My sister did that when I told her I had relinquished bson.. twenty years after the fact..

I'm angry that they made decisions like I wasn't allowed to get therapy or enter a support group at the time and that they kept at least one letter from the birthfather from me all in the name of 'not hurting me' when they have never asked me what my pain has been.

The line I think of is.. They know not what they do.. I know my mom regretted me giving him up.. she started drinking heavy after I gave him up.. ended up locked in her home..

So the fact that due to their physical location and financial position that they could get to know my son more often and better than I am able makes me sad.

I think you should tell them.. Tell them about your anger.. not accuse just tell them how you feel..
And if they decide that what you tell them does not matter then so be it.. protect yourself.. put up boundaries.. till they see how badly they have hurt you..
I do not think I could deal with what you are dealing with..
I think I would go mad.. and act out and yell and scream.. its so unfair..

My bson met my sisters son.. they were born the same year… my sister was legal.. and all was well with her.. and her inlaws were never to know about my son.. they my bson and my sisters son had a dinner and drinks and good talks.. I have never had that with my bson.. never ever was able to get into the nitty gritty of it with him.. probably never will..
I had to let it go when sister told me.. The irony..

I wanted an open adoption but they encouraged me to use a doctor who believed in the closed, move on, forget about it way.

More fool they..

I think it's going to take some time before I'm not angry any more!

Putting up boundaries is to me.. about telling them how you feel and how you were hurt and how you are not willing to be hurt again..
Making sure they know what is wrong with their relationship with you..

I remember a TV show about a man visiting his alcoholic father in the hospital and the father was very abusive to him.. and he took it..
Then I remember John Bradshaw saying on one of his shows.. that we can walk away from this kind of abuse.. its allowed..
We tell them that we are not willing to be spoken to in this manner… with no respect for the very person we are.. and if the father or whoever is still going to say and do things that hurt us.. we walk away.. but we stay connected.. send cards and stuff..

But we tell them.. and we leave.. and if they want to know us.. they know how to do it..


Jackie