[DeafSiren]

Dear V and others,
Here it is midnight and I've been up since 5:30 this morning...but I don't think it was an accident that I happened upon this post. First of all, it has been very reassuring to read some of these experiences to know that I'm not the only one who went through doubting my own Spiritual feelings. I really like what aspen said that "discouragement is part of the deal." Anytime I felt discouraged I felt like I was a failure for not having faith. My husband would remind me of Job and Sarah and then I would feel even worse for not being as faithful as them through times of trial. Ugh! In reality, discouragement is part of the process and hopefully it forces us to our knees for even more guidance and inspiration.

My story is too long to share here, but one relevant part is that after being "on the list" at LDS FS for a little over three months I started having these small spiritual inclinations about a child coming to our family. Over the next 10 months, I had feelings that our first child would be a daughter, of African-American descent, what her name would be, etc. I was inspired to pray that our child would come before my mother passed away (she was battling cancer). Slowly I started, almost unconsciously, getting out our baby supplies like the carseat, etc. Right before I went home to be with my mother, I told my husband to get out the crib and bassinette from the basement. The next day we were contacted by a potential birthmom, due any time with a daughter whose birthfather was African-American. A few days later she told us she wanted us to be the parents of her daughter. Unfortunately, this was a few days after my mother had passed away. I waited there with my dad (my home state was close to the state where the potential birthmother lived) for three weeks until she actually gave birth. Her daughter was born and she decided she couldn't place.

A devastating event overall, especially only three weeks after my mother died. But the most difficult part for me was wondering about all those spiritual feelings I had. Wondering if I was just making it all up with wishful thinking, but deep down knowing that those things were not coincidences. Honestly, I was angry with God for a long time. I felt He had taunted me when, even though the pbm had free agency, He knows all and knew she wouldn't place so why would He plant all those Spiritual insights when He knew it wouldn't work out? Those were dark months for me.

Over time I healed and the way I resolved it myself was to know that I might not ever know or understand why that situation happened the way it did. All I do know is that those were true spiritual feelings that I had. I can't play the game of "what if...?" I simply trust Heavenly Father that I needed to go through that experience, although with my limited perspective I may not ever fully understand why in this life. I hope that makes sense.

Another spiritual feeling I had was that after the adoption fell through, I knew that it would be more than a year before another child came to us. It wasn't depression speaking, this was something I just KNEW. So, I used that year to go to counseling, etc. We moved to a new city. After arriving here we decided to go for broke (literally and metaphorically). We did parent profiles for 6 months (worth a try, but didn't work for us). We signed up with a second agency in addition to LDS FS (one they recommended). And we even got approval from our insurance agency to start some infertility treatments again. Also in this process the Spirit inspired me to retool our letter and collage. I had a clear image of the kind of birthmother we hoped for and I let our letter reflect that.

A little over 2 1/2 years after we first started "officially" waiting with LDS FS, we were contacted by that "dream" birthmother. Five months after that, she delivered her healthy boy and placed him in our arms two days later. We have a wonderful open adoption and our joy is full. I know when I was discouraged I hated reading stories like this because I would get jealous and afraid that it would never happen for us. But I have to testify that your fondest dreams can come true, even though you may have to wait longer than you ever thought possible!

I hope this has been helpful and feel free to PM me if you would like more details, encouragement, have questions, etc.

Best Wishes,
L.