[DCMomLady]

Hi, MLB. Welcome to the tangled world of relative adoption and to this wonderful site for info and support.

Before I tell my story, I want to say that I think your sister's tattoo is her way of making sure that she is not the family secret that your aunt is in your brother's life. Thus, the highly visible location of her tattoo. She took the decision about adoption honesty away from you and your husband but it is probably the decision you would have arrived at eventually. The tattoo may even become a source of comfort to your daughter as it is a visible declaration of how important she was to her birthmother -- and that is a question that many adoptees struggle to answer for themselves.

As to boundaries, only you can know what's appropriate and safe for you daughter -- and that must be your primary concern.

My daughter was not relinquished. She was taken from my niece by involuntary TPR at 18 months and the court ordered no contact. But we are the parents now and we choose to have an open adoption with occasional visits, always supervised by us in our home or in public places like parks and restaurants. They play together but there is no mother/child intimacy in their relationship, and I would definitely frown on that if it ever happened.

We are quite strict in enforcing the boundaries we've set for visits. My niece is not allowed to bring her boyfriends or even her girlfriends to our home or on family outings because they are mostly dopers and criminals. We've also excluded the maternal birthgrandma (my own sister) for the same reasons. My sister is invited only once a year to visit, on Christmas or Thanksgiving, and she is known to my daughter as Nana J---- not Grandma.

Like you, we also went against my niece's wishes that the birthfather's family be excluded. The biodad may be a worthless, drug-dealing scumbag but his parents are wonderful people and they have been very supportive of their grand-daughter and us. They are the folks that my daughter sees as her grandparents because my husband's parents are deceased as is my own mother. Fortunately for us, we don't have the complication of other relatives with their own agendas.

Because your mother seems to have an agenda that calls for nurturing the mother-child relationship between sis and your daughter, I would think about limiting her contact, too. I understand that private daycare and babysitters are very expensive but you would not have any worries about conflicting messages that your daughter may be receiving. Your mom can still be the loving Grandma but you will have more control over the situation.

Regarding the best time to tell your daughter about her birth -- we faced the same question even though our daughter was older when we adopted. Because her original home was a place of chaos, neglect and abuse, she completely blocked those memories and wanted to believe that she was born to us. That was easy for her because we were there at her birth and visited frequently during her first year. There were lots of baby pictures showing her in my arms. We decided not to let her cling to that lie so we frequently referred to her adoption in general ways, like when we watched Stuart Little together at age two. We celebrate her Adoption Day every year with special activities but this is a day reserved just for us. Birthmom is not included because we know it's not a day that she remembers with any joy. Telling my daughter about my niece proved to be just as easy. The first time she asked about being in my tummy (like her preschool teacher), I told her the truth that she was hatched in J's tummy and was our beloved niece before we adopted her. I showed her happy pictures of my pregnant niece so she would know there was love between them.

My niece seems happy now that we adopted her child and there are no scenes or recriminations to worry about, although there was a difficult time with my sister who didn't like the fact that the court said she was unfit to parent and gave the baby to us.

Anyway, that's my opinion and my story for whatever it's worth. I hope your family will know the peace, love and joy that we know.