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[quote=xxsurroundedbyxy]This was what I was referring to when I said "who knows what she could be telling this child in your absence". I was afraid that your daughter would hear from her biomom that SHE is her mom and not you and you definitely have the right to be the one to decide when and how your daughter is told she is adopted.
I also stick with you on the tatoo. She has every right to tatoo her body how she wishes but her decision to put it in a place that is seen by everyone everyday and I am sure brings lots of questions was inappropriate and IMO unhealthy on her part. This leads to her telling others on a daily basis that her sister is raising her child. Now, if she was not a family member and just a young woman who chose your family then telling everyone she saw would not be so hurtful to you and your family and you would not feel that YOUR privacy was violated each time she told. But the fact is.....if they know her then they now know when they meet you that your daughter is adopted without you even deciding to share that information. I, too, stick to my original comment that I think her immaturity led her to do this as a rebellious act.
Your boundaries with your mom will have to be put in place as well. I know this must be so hard on her (my mom would be just like your mom in this situation and sadly she did not ask to be put in the middle) but she is doing a disservice to both you and your sister by allowing unhealthy contact between biomom and your daughter. I would ask that all contact be cleared with me first. If she can't or won't abide by your wishes, it may turn out that you have to cut ties until they see that you are serious about this. She probably feels some guilt about your sister relinquishing her daughter to you and feels pity towards your sister and makes up for this by allowing some "private time" w/o permission.
An open adoption with family is so hard because there are SO many avenues of contact between the biomom and adoptee and amom. In a "regular" open adoption, visit frequency and boundaries would have been discussed at the time of relinquishment or before and probably even put into writing. Something else you may want to consider. But with your situation it is hard to say, "I would like for you to visit DD once a week or once a month, etc" so visit frequency is a little out of your control if you are not with her 24/7 and other family members are also caretakers. However, what is in your control is some boundary settings and some stipulations on those visits----like where, for how long, what is said, where your child sleeps and with who, who is truly in charge of her at Grandmas, etc.
I feel like your sister is trying to have the best of both worlds. She gets to "pretend" to be the mom at times with this child (like the sleepovers at Grandmas, etc) but she has no real responsibilities to this child.
You have the right to feel secure in your "mom" status. I think you feel that you owe your sister something. You do. Your gratitude for giving birth and doing what was best for this child that you love and respecting her position as biomom. But that's all. You don't owe her contact with the child at her whim......you love her enough to allow contact with the child. So don't beat yourself up for pulling back some. You don't have to "make things okay for her" as you put it. Only she can do that and only she can decide when and where to get the help to do that if necessary. Your job is to be her sister and the best mommy that little girl could ever ask for
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