|
I am wondering if you should really be focusing on your relationship with your sister prior to setting up all sorts of new boundaries/rules. It may be time for Gma to take the kids while you two sit down and have a heart to heart. Write down what is bugging you so you don’t forget anything. Also, listen to how she is feeling and take that at face value – don’t try to figure out why she feels a certain way – ask why (for instance about bdads family and the adoption in general). Let her know how important the relationship is between the 2 of you - if only for your DD's sake. Keep this convo going - maybe set up a time every once in awhile you two can chat - even on the phone. Nothing formal - just on going.
I would also try to forge a relationship with her that has nothing to do with the adoption. Be interested in her job, her school, her boyfriends – something. Share something about your life that’s funny but can be a source of on going conversation. You are probably more of a parental figure to her at this point. It might be good for you both to work on becoming friends/sisters. Try to bring her up to your level, so she feels you are equals. It’s hard to not be judgmental about what 19yo's say & do but hey, we were all there once.
Additionally, I can’t help but feel that a lot of issues will clear up once everyone in your family gets on the same page about your DD’s story. Until that happens, you are going to continually worry about who is saying/doing what. It is probably most important for your son at this point. It will soon become very apparent to him that his sister is treated differently by his Aunt. That may end up hurting his feelings if he doesn’t know why. There are lots of good children’s books out there to help introduce the concept and the “who grew in my tummy/who grew in Aunt K’s tummy/you both grew in my heart” story could be a fun game for them.
I know you would prefer that your sister treat them as equals but that may never happen. It would be incredibly hard and she obviously loves your DD to pieces – that’s a good thing – especially your daughter.
|