[Oceans]

I agree that telling her its time to "move on" is probably not appropriate. Rarely can birthmom's "move on" until they have learned to integrate their new role into their life. Yes, they grow up, but until they accept and incorporate "who they are", many can have problems thriving which is what I know you want for your sister.

I would suggest focusing on why you have an open adoption in the first place. When I say you, I mean you, your husband and your sister. Open adoption, when embraced by all, is truly healthy for the child. I'm not saying it's a cake walk by any stretch. It's a process for sure.

I may be reading into this but I get the feeling you may be at the beginning stages of a tug-of-war with your DD smack in the middle. Try to nip that that in the bud. Maybe it's time to introduce the concept of adoption into your children's lives. Many people believe that is the better route for adopted children – the earlier the better.

The bdad's parents never lost their "status" in this OA - They still get to be Gma & Gpa. She may be jealous, I would be. She may feel that she gave birth to your daughter but - who is she really? – only an Aunt or something more? She has no tangible validation of the special role she plays in your daughter’s life... KWIM? It may not be validation for her selflessness that she is after- It may just be validation... Introducing the concept of adoption to your children now may have positive benefits for both your children and your sister. Hopefully it will make her feel more secure of her place in your DD's life.

I am so glad you found these forums. I know it's tough but you'll get lots of support here. (((hugs)))