Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Sheba
But I figure if we raise her to be strong and believe in herself both as an American and Chinese woman, we have done our job!
|
Hi Sheba,
It sounds like your doing as much as you genuinely can regarding your daughter from China to keep her connected with her Chinese cultural roots and to offer a caring, loving home. And I think having your daughter know other Chinese adoptees will help lessen the sense of being the 'odd one out' - so good for you for connecting with the other adoptive families.
If you haven't already done so already, perhaps reading some of the general writings about adoptee experiences and parenting adopted children might also help? I noticed at the International Adoptive Families of Queensland (Australia) annual gathering that the book, "Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections" was widely circulated. While I didn't read the whole book, I skimmed through several of the chapters and the advice seemed quite sensible and sensitive - there are a few writings about parenting transracial children. The other book that I thought had a good balance of practical advice and a window into the emotional challenges that adoptees face is the book, "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" (it doesn't deal with transracial adoption, but I think it is still useful general advice). Another piece of research that I thought was very insightful is the report on "The Gathering of the First Generation of Adult Korean Adoptees: Adoptees' Perception of International Adoption" (about 400 participants were involved) - it's free for downloading from the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute's web site. I'd also read on other forum boards here at adoption.com that there's a book called something like: "Talking to your child about adoption" that's been recommended by others within adoptive families. Another free resource is the "Prospective Adoptive Parent Education Program" booklet that's downloadable from the Queensland (Australia) Department of Child Safety's web site, overseas adoption section. While it's mainly targeted towards prospective adoptive parents, it's guidelines/tips may be useful.
I am of the opinion that keeping one's children connected with their birth culture roots is useful in assisting them with their later challenges in negotiating their multiple sources of identity. However, my own experience as a child growing up amongst adoptive parents who were very much actively interested in Chinese culture, was that I outrightly refused much identification with Chinese culture. I sometimes even protested to my parents that I felt that they were trying to force me into being a 'Chinese girl'.
In retrospect, I recognize that my parents were very well intentioned and they even said that they weren't trying to force me into becoming 'Chinese'. But perhaps some of my own reactions were part of the wider, general challenge that some adoptees deal with, which is trying to find a sense of 'belonging' and for me as a transracial adoptee, this included trying to 'fit in' into a Caucasian family by denying my Chinese roots. The denial of my Chinese cultural roots was my own denial of the adoption-related grief and loss I'd experienced.
So my general advice is: 1) encourage your child to participate in cultural activites relating to their birth country. If they baulk, then let them know that the options/doors are always open for them to participate later if they want to 2) read up on books about adoptee experiences and parenting adopted children to gain a deeper understanding of some of the complexities, 3) open discussion with your children about their adoption, their feelings about their adoption and their sense of cultural identity - some adopted people see themselves as Caucasian, others more of a mixture, etc; 4) allow your children to express their feelings in a safe place - even if they clam up, indicate to them that you're aware that there may be all kinds of different feelings that they may have, and that the door is open for them if they want to talk later; from what I've read, adoption-related grief/loss/post-trauma reactions can be wide and varied (from adamant denial, to anger, to depression, to listlessness, to seemingly and often misdiagnosed Attention-Deficit-Disorder, to extra efforts to please others) and therefore sometimes hard to identify, 5) connect with other international adoptive families for support/sharing tips and experiences, 6) do what you're already doing by raising her to be strong and believe in herself, 7) recognize that you're doing the best you can with the best of intentions with what you know at the time - I think in life in general, that's all we can really do in the face of such challenges, yup?
I hope that some of this makes sense - again, they're just my two cents worth of opinion and I'm sure that other international adoptees will have other suggestions/views. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job and that you're already doing a lot of what I'd suggested. It's understandable that you worry about your daughter sometimes so I encourage you to keep asking around for help/support. I'm such a big believer that there's bound to be at least someone else in this world that shares similar concerns and worries - that's the wonderful thing about online forums like this one, we learn that we're not so alone in dealing with such challenges!
All the best to you, Sheba!
Warm regards,
Ripples
