[Jackiejdajda]

Wings-Freed wrote

What's happening today....well I hope to write this out without it looking like I'm whining or feeling sorry for myself, to be honest I really don't know how to feel about this, all I know is it's made me feel terribly sad, the sad where you want to cry, and lordy I hate crying.

I am a birthmom.. and I hated crying.. I hated the grief.. but IMO crying is good..
Into it then out the other side.. and your grief is real and valid..

It's about the man I married, one who never has tried to understand my feelings on any of it, one who still has both his parents, he's 54 years old. Today his mother is in a home for elderly people, thank heavens for places like that. So him and his sister are going through a lot of papers and such, I had went to help, but ended up having to leave, it hit me hard for some strange reason what he was reading to me, or thought I needed to hear it all. He showed me his baby book, when he took his first step, his first this that and the next thing, hair from his first hair cut, plus other things his mother had kept. I was ok with other things he showed me, his great great grandparents, which I said, wow that's such a nice picture to have, to know where you're from.

I would not go to my husbands family reunions for years.. I still hate them..
I hear him speak of history.. and searching the net for his great great grandparents.. and I think of my bson and how he does not have this.. not really..
I do not know how is birthfather is.. I do not know the name.. I have taken that history from him.. I was told to forget..
And forget I did..

I am so very very sorry that you have to deal with this terrible terrible life issue..
It must be so difficult for you..

I think what I need to do is let it go AGAIN, hand it over to God.

I agree we are powerless over all of this.. and letting go and letting God.. helps..
I think of my bson as a person that was/is starting a new part of me somewhere else.. part of my history my generations..
He has three babies.. and those babies are going beyond my world.. have gone beyond my world..
Totally different..

I am not into family history.. my family.. I do not revel in it.. I do not think of it.. because of the split that happened in 1965.
The my son must be raised by others.. my son came into this world at a time when I could not care for him..
The facts.. the facts a person can not get around..

Taking a drink and or taking a drug (<my addiction) in order to not go into these feelings is something an addict must avoid..
My mom would tear me to shreds and then say.. “Awe Jackie have a drink.”
Its wrong.. what she did.. going into the feelings and knowing they will pass.. and knowing that all of this is much bigger than me helps..

Welcome back..

Jackie