[Oceans]

Vogi – I don’t know about the emom side first hand but I was the adult support system or “Parent” for a family member (niece). First let me say that I was never present when the counselor talked to my niece in a “counseling” capacity – that was her time. I had several one off conversations with the counselor about OA and what it is. She did a great job explaining BUT reading and posting here was the best education for me…. My niece & I had several LOOOOOONG conversations about OA and her responsibilities. I think that helped her (& me) in our understanding. BTW: my niece does not mind me saying things here – she can read them but doesn’t. She uses another forum and I don’t read that. It’s a trust thing with us. Just an FYI in case you were wondering…

When you “matched” with an emom, did you feel like you should interview her? Well, this is the emom’s role and she had a well thought out list of criteria. What I found interesting is who she picked….The amom very similar to her own personality and in fact, she has since asked the amom to be her mentor with regards to some other things in her life. My niece has a lot of respect for her. So yes, I believe, she took the interview process very seriously – and found parents that represented all her “criteria”. Interesting to note, I wouldn’t have “picked” these folks so good thing it left up to the emom – LOL

Or consider if you would want her presence in your life and what that meant? Did the agency help you understand the implications of an OA and having lifelong contact with the emom? I can lump these together… I know in the "parent role" I certainly did!! Again, she & I spent HOURS discussing this.

Now I honestly can’t remember what I learned here, vrs what I learned from the agency but our talks of life-long responsibility focused around 3 main topics:

If she wasn’t going to parent this child, it was her responsibility to become the person he will be proud to call his other mom. Now I believe she already is this person but she is young and has a lot of growing up to do yet. She chose not to parent because she has some pretty aggressive career goals (always has) and didn’t want to risk resentment of her child or having them live in student-poverty like conditions while she was reaching her goal. She can change her dreams (doubt she will) but she needs to be the person, her son will be proud of… mature, loving, respectful etc…

It was her responsibility to heal. We can all help her with that BUT she has to make the choice to do so… This doesn’t mean hide your grief… It means grieve… Talk to me, talk to your friends, talk to anyone (she has a therapist now). We also talked about the difference between sadness and depression… She needed to recognize the signs…

Her responsibility to the a-parents and to the specifics of the OA:
Mostly focused around visitation. She can ask for whatever she wants but it is her responsibility to commit…. Since the aparents live hours away and she has frequent visitation, there were some logistics to figure out. I put the responsibility on her to figure out a way to travel – that was not the aparents responsibility. If no one is available to take her, there is a train. We can get the ticket, but she has to commit the time. If she can’t go, she has to call. If she can’t call (too emotional), then I will call for her etc… Communication and respect is the key…. Also, if something is said or done that upsets her (coming from the aparents side), she needs to talk it out with them. I (or her friends) can give her perspective, but in the end she needs to have a convo with them instead of letting things fester. It’s interesting but she is struggling with the “power shift” right now. She was in control, but is no longer…. It makes her feels she can’t “be herself” because what if they no longer like her, no more visitation etc. We are working on that.

For my niece, having responsibilities actually makes her feel like she is parenting - but in a different sort of way. This is her version of it (as a bmom) and she is taking it very seriously. I couldn’t be more proud of her. Not because of what she did but because of who she has become… I could go on all day…

So that is the “Parent of an emom” side of an OA. It’s still VERY new so we’ll see how it works out. In the end, I think she picked the best aparents in the world…. At least for her.

I still think I learn the most here because it’s real live examples of real world stuff. That said, our agency did a terrific job! I mostly continue to come here to learn so I can help her but I have to say it’s been good for me personally being a bmom from the closed era…