When you “matched” with an emom, did you feel like you should interview her? I did want to interview her. I think this is a HUGE part of an OA if possible. You all need to decide before the baby is there if you are a good match for the other. I think OA goes both ways, the bmom will pick you, but you also should pick your bmom. It's hard because you want to be parents SOOO bad, but you don't realize that these are people that will be in your life forever. You need to "mesh" well. KWIM? Our child was born before we got the call...but we did interview before placement.
Or consider if you would want her presence in your life and what that meant? We didn't have time to think about this a lot, but I did think about it. At the time, our child's birthparents were open and honest, and I really appreciated that.
Did the agency help you understand the implications of an OA and having lifelong contact with the emom? Yes, we had a lot of counseling that we had to go through, though I will say that these boards did a much better job. The only thing I wish is that they counseled the bparents better about the lifelong committment / contact & thier responsibilities. Our agency did that very well, but there was no time because the child was already born by then. I believe that we were almost TOO ready for an open adoption. We weren't ready for the things that can go wrong, and do sometimes.
Also, did you have different emom criteria the second time from the first OA? YES we will. I will be much more picky this time around. I think you realize (or at least I did) after the first time around that you DO have a right to turn down a match, and that you as an aparent have a right to insist on things also. For example, I will insist that all of our kids be treated the same during visits (to a point). If gifts are brought, gifts need to be brought for all the kids or at least token gifts for the other kids. I will also insist that they get some kind of counseling (as will we) after placement, thier choice as to what kind / who with. I would tell them it's important that we all be as healthy emotionally as we possibly can, and it's important to us for them to have someone to talk to (we would respect thier privacy & this isn't something we'd be jerks about). I would LOVE to have one visit a year with a counseler or third party, to discuss anything that happened in that year / changes they or we want. Just a visit with someone so that we can all be on the same page, especially if they don't feel like they can talk to us about certain things. I want the communication lines to be open. I will mostly insist that contact be kept up on thier part. That they will put forth effort also for this to work. I will also ask for pictures from them once a year (and maybe even get together & get professional pictures taken). We would basically make sure that the bparents were 100% committed to the open adoption also, and be VERY specific about what that meant.
GREAT questions...I'd be interested from the birthparent standpoint how thier process went (if they were educated, etc etc).
