[Sabra]

Hi K:

Thanks for your post. The family unit and how we treat our children will also affect how stereotypically they fall into the first born, second born, last born roles. The following is what I have learned over the years but I am not an exper in birth order information.

If you were raised for example to be a decision maker or care taker for your younger brother that would affect you to be the first born role. Because your two older brothers where not raised in your home that would also make you the first born role. If your own son even though technically he was born second in his birthfamily he has the role of first born in his adopted family (your family unit) and with his choleric temperament he will very likely be the role of a stereotypical first born with leadership skills and decision making abilites, etc.

Kevin Lehman has another book out on birth order fairly recently. I glanced through it the other day. I did notice he mentioned adoption and twins stating that they could be expections or something to that affect. In the little time I had to glance through the book it did not seem that he elaborated too much on twins and those that are adopted.

Your niece is a first born girl and the role that the family unit may be assigning her (even if unintentionally) maybe prompting her desire to instigate. It is hard to know without seeing the interaction over a period of time. First born of a gender in some cases can have an affect in some areas and other times not as much so. We would call those overlays. In other words she may not be a typical first born because she is a second born but her overlay is in the area of "getting attention" as the first born girl rather than a typical peacemaking middle born. I have a friend that is a first born girl inbetween two brothers. Each born 2 years apart. She is a peacemaker but has some leadership qualities. She is sanguine not choleric so she is not a strong willed leader. But she does have the decision making abilities like a first born.

Your husband sounds like by his birth order that he middle youngest child even through he is a twin because he was born second and the gap between himself and his next sibling would give him some attributes of a last born. Does he lean more toward a middle borns attributes? It may depend on how strong willed his older twin is. I have a very close friend that is a twin. A choleric, first born, type A, twin, both twins of the same sex. Talk about two special driven ladies! One became a CPA and her twin became a medical doctor working in the emergency room of a hospital. My friend is the first born and choleric. Her twin is sanguine although she is very driven. They love to be competive. The competitiveness in which they grew up (they also had 5 brothers born after them) I think has helped the second born twin to be like a first born because of the very strong link with her sister. When they are together (watch out!) they seem to take turns in leadership but there is just a hint that the actual first born is a bit more the leader.

I think understanding the nature inclinations of the birth order that our children are born in helps us to understand them.

Each child is very special and has many special gifts and talents. It is so wonderful to lovingly guide and balance them. My dh and I guide our children in the areas in which their birth order does not naturally flow. In other words we help our second born to see that she is very capable of decision making and we assign her leadership on various things around the house purposely. We should probably do it even more so as she has high goals for herself and it will aid her for her future. On the same note we gentley tell our first born dd that it is okay not to be in charge and to learn the grace of allowing others the gift of decision making. (Even if she herself has some great ideas.)

Best to you as you parent your dear son. Sounds like you are doing a great job!!!