[doinit4me]

Hrisme,

I really feel for you. I can tell you that at one point in my life I felt that everyone that I loved was leaving me. (Many of our relatives passed that I had been close to in a short period of time.) I was so angry at God. I felt that if I never loved anything it wouldn't hurt so bad. So I tried to close my heart for a while.

What I found was that (and I know this is going to sound like a cliche) without sadness, you never know happiness. You can't know love if you don't allow yourself to feel love.

You indicated that you tend to dwell on the downside of things. I can relate. I had a period of time when I did that as well. It was much easier to look around and see what was wrong with the world and people in it than to look for the good. But that is what you have to allow yourself to do. I know it can hurt when people let you down. It's easier to say they will eventually leave me, they will eventually hurt me but I did find that people can surprise you.

Take one day at a time. Try to find one thing in that day that makes it good. When you first start out, it might be hard if you've been looking for the bad for a while but after awhile it does get easier.

As far as your brother and uncles...all I can suggest is baby steps. Whether you realize it or not, you may have put expectations on them already. Just not great ones. You may already be assuming that they will leave you or hurt you as other relationships have.

You might also want to start keeping a good feeling journal. It's easy sometimes to write or think about the negative things that happen and much harder to find the positive. Try to find one good thing that happened each day. Whether it's something small like the sun shining when it was supposed to be overcast, a rainbow after a rain shower or someone saying "hi". The good is out there. It's just not always as "in your face" as the bad stuff.

I hope this helps and I haven't overstepped my boundries. I wish you the best.
Lori