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Originally Posted by julie23
...and then they blamed genetics as the reason she grew up feeling like dirt... she had no self-esteem... she had no self-confidence... she did not believe she could succeed...
my daughter was in a lot of pain in her childhood... she was institutionalized three times between the ages of 10 and 16.. suicidal tendencies and attempts..... she is a cutter... at least, as of a year ago, she was still cutting... i could go on and on...
and they blamed all this on me...
then they met me... i wonder what they blame it all on now... since my kids are okay...
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Julie, I gasped when I read this part of your story because it parallels mine. My son was also placed into psychiatric hospitals, beginning at the age of 13. He was first locked up for pulling a knife on his adoptive father ~ DS was trying to stop his adad from beating up his amom. He was trying to protect his mother.... It went downhill from there.
I was contacted that year by the adoption agency at the adoptive parents' request. They wanted to know if I had used drugs during my pregnancy. That broke my heart, and then I lost it. I hadn't even taken a single Tums antacid during my pregnancy, much less an aspirin. The only "medicine" I had taken was Stuarts Prenatal Vitamins with Folic Acid. Oh, I was prescribed Bendectin for several weeks during my third month for severe morning sickness. But that was the extent of my drug use.
They wanted to know if there were learning disabilities in my family. DS had been diagnosed ADHD, and the agency told me he had neurological problems. No, my brother and I had both gone through the public school system in the "gifted" program ~ we were straight-A students. The ironic thing was that at the same time they were so convinced my son had "inherited" his learning problems, I was finishing up the last of my premed classes, getting ready to enter medical school.
The real kicker was after they met me five years later and got to know me, they decided DS's problems
must have been inherited from his birthfather. The only thing, though, was how to explain that bdad's subsequent children were all "A" students on the honor roll. And when bdad died in an accident the following year, how to explain the most amazing obituary and memorial service I've ever seen. This man, who had run wild in his younger years, was absolutely adored in his suburban community, where he had been a Boy Scout leader for over 12 years. He never once turned a troubled kid away from his door, and single-handedly ran fundraisers for the local high school's marching-band program. I took our son to his memorial service and was astounded that over 600 people were there, including cameras from the local TV stations.
Sometimes, I wonder who they blame now. And sometimes I wonder if they ever realized how much damage was done to me personally by playing the "blame game". If, and I say "if", DS inherited his problems from either of us, we certainly didn't intend for that to happen. I don't think anybody, much less a 16 y/o girl and 20 y/o man, has much control over the genes they pass down. And to automatically insinuate that I had exposed my child
in utero to illegal drugs was beyond the pale. I was so emotionally devastated when the accusations began that I left school for the remainder of the semester.
I tried explaining once to his parents that bdad was not responding to their requests for medical history because he felt they were blaming us. They just smiled at me and said, "Oh, we never meant for you to take it personally." Well, it's a little hard not to take it personally when someone is accusing you of damaging your child and placing the blame on you for his adolescent problems. And one more thing while I'm spouting that I've never understood. When DS turned 20, his parents took him out to dinner for his birthday (he was not allowed at their house). Evidently, he told them he wished I'd had an abortion. His mom called me up the next day to tell me this bit of news. When I got upset (and, boy, did I!), she told me not to take it personally. What the....?