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I am an adoptive mother, and I love what you have written, for it is so much how I feel about the birthmothers of my children. They will always call my children their daughter or son, my children will never stop being their children. Even though we have mostly closed adoptions, there is a connection there. My children feel it, I feel it. It is beautiful.
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i was watching lifetime the other day .. and a very young mother decided to allow her newborn to be raised by his grandparents... and as she handed the baby to his adoptive mother, she asked if it would be alright for her to come visit every once in a while... and the adoptive mother replied, "Oh yes! You are his mother and you always will be!"
i think that first mothers continue to have a non-physical presence in their childrens lives.... years after birth... probably forever... and i think i have come to the conclusion that what matters most is how the adoptive parents regard this non-physical presence.... how they treat this entity....
i think adoptive mothers like you, Juliana, who treat the first mother with the deep feelings of compassion and love that you have expressed are the adoptive mothers who will be incredibly successful...
i think your children are blessed.
in my daughters home, my non-physical presence was treated with disregard... was treated as "the enemy"... there were never any feelings of love or compassion expressed about me... none.
the adoptive father told me several "cute" stories from my daughters childhood that utterly appalled me and saddened my heart...
when my daughter was in first or second grade... she did a family unit at school. she drew her adoptive family... and in the corner she drew her birth parents... he told me that she was very proud of this picture... and she came home and put it on the refrigerator... he told me her mother did not like the picture at all... so, she would take it down and put it away.. but my daughter would find it, and put it back up... after a while, my daughter gave up... and the picture stayed down...
this is how my presence was treated in that home...
my daughter was told that any thing about her that they thought was negative was because "she was born that way"...
she was told that i was an alcoholic... and birthfather was a drug addict... and they beat into her head that she should never drink or do drugs....
during her more difficult times, they wondered with her, if i had done drugs during my pregnancy... in spite of the fact their information said "no"... and i was locked up in a Christian home for unwed mothers...
this family treated my non-physical presence like dirt...
and then they blamed genetics as the reason she grew up feeling like dirt... she had no self-esteem... she had no self-confidence... she did not believe she could succeed...
my daughter was in a lot of pain in her childhood... she was institutionalized three times between the ages of 10 and 16.. suicidal tendencies and attempts..... she is a cutter... at least, as of a year ago, she was still cutting... i could go on and on...
and they blamed all this on me...
then they met me... i wonder what they blame it all on now... since my kids are okay...
i have read a alot of books... and i have been obsessive about the forums off and on...
and just like this thread... it matters how we tell the story of our lives... it matters to us and to our children..
it matters how the adoptive family tells this story... do they treat the birthfamily with kindness and compassion... even in closed adoptions, this is possible... it is possible because of the non-physical presence that is always there...
we know that in divorce, we are told not to bad mouth the ex-spouse to the children... we all hear that... but do we really understand why? it's because our child is half that person..... it's like your bad mouthing half of your child...
same is true in adoption... whatever you say about the birthmother, the child is transferring to herself...
it is important that we think hard about the story we tell... the story we tell about ourselves... because it is our sons story... our daughters story....
i believe that even in less than desirable circumstances... we can tell the story gently... with love... with compassion... not to sugar coat... but to demonstrate love.... acceptance....
julie