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Dear Birthmom, I am late 30's, female adoptee in reunion for about two years now. I did the search for records and for the most part has turned out well for me with the exception of one bsister.
I would suggest a counselor. I went to counseling to get past Amom and Adad so that my reunion could be as healthy as possible. Of course, reunion has opened wounds I did not know were even there. I am thinking I am going to go back. Actually, I did go back for a couple of extra sessions mid way thru the reunion (so I would not loose my mind in the process).
Here would be my suggestions besides that. Take your to do list and pick the first item, contact her. Decide first if you want to do this, if yes then decide when and how. If you take on to many at once I think it becomes overwhelming and then depressing. Well, for me that's how it was. I was very, I mean very slow in my reunion. My Bmom let me set my pace and that was really very helpful.
I worry about the age of your daughter. However, I went to get records from the agency at age 18 and was treated very rudely. I decided to never go back, but would have loved to be "found". I only went back because I had gotten older and of course matured.
I think once you get past those first two questions it will be easier to decide the following ones, not easy, just easier.
One word of caution. If you spouse truly does not support you on this one, please be careful when it comes to how your birth daughter feels. It can be devastating to have someone in the process of reunion treat you with hostility when they don't even know you.
I would approach this from the viewpoint that this is between you and your daughter. Even though many people are affected in this process, it is about the two of you, the rest, if they love and support you will take care of themselves and be respectful.
Take care of yourself.
DebsW
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