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Hi Blessed,
I can really understand what your fears are! I have the same ones too. You just have to take it one step at a time. Give yourself time to get to know your mom and let her get to know you too. I think taking it slow is a great idea, just make sure you don't take it too slowly. What I mean is you can also give the wrong impression by standing back.
It is a committment. It's no different than what our aparents did when they adopted us. When we decided to take this journey we decided that we were in it. Good, bad or ugly. As unsure as we are that they will find some fault with us that will turn them away, I'm sure they have the same fears. What if I'm not what they'd hoped for? What if I ask too many questions? What if they think I'm too pushy? This is a person who gave birth to you but doesn't know you and visa versa. Because we are adopted and have that issue of being let go, it's easy for us to imagine it happening again. I think that is why we are afraid. Like you said,
Perhaps they'll not like that I am such a big reader, or so curious, or cheerful, or private.
I think we are all afraid to a degree. Adoptees, bmoms, amoms, family. Everyone is afraid that they might lose something. Adoptee's worry about being rejected again. Sometimes by their bmoms, sometimes by their amoms. Bmoms may fear losing their child again if they do or say something wrong. Amoms may fear that they will lose the child that they raised or that they won't be needed anymore now that the "real" mom has been found. Spouses may worry that we will become consumed with this and "change" into someone else. (A strong person may become insecure by the emotions that they are feeling. An insecure person might feel "stronger" or more determined.)
Regardless of the outcome, you made the decision to look. Let her know how much committment you can give her. Let her be in your life to whatever degree you feel comfortable with but explain to her the "why" behind it. Hopefully she will understand and give you whatever space you may need. The same has to go for us too. We have to understand that 'space" doesn't necessarily mean "rejection". We just have to realize that this road we're on isn't smooth. It's full of bumps and turns and occassionally, deadends. Just take each day as it comes, enjoy the sunshine and watch for the flowers after the rain.
Sincerely,
Lori
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