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Originally Posted by Blessed2x.
For me personally, I am coming to the conclusion that entering into a relationship with my bmom is a committment. It seems unkind to enter her life then "drop" her someday. So I plan, if she also wants, to find a place in my life for her and keep her.
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Hi, Blessed2x...
I LOVE the way you are approaching your reunion with your bmom. You are absolutely correct ~ it is a commitment on both of your part's. When you stop and think about the meaning of relationships,
any relationship, there is always some form of commitment. Reciprocity, "give and take", patience, trust, hope, love...these are the values I cherish in all my relationships with both family members and friends.
Like any relationship, there will be ups and downs, even challenges. But honesty, good communication skills, and love can overcome the "down" times.
I know there are some adoptees who just want to obtain their medical and social histories, maybe meet their bmom once or twice. And that's fine, as long as they are honest with themselves and with their birthmothers. But I have trouble with the idea of either an adoptee or birthmother developing a personal relationship and then cutting off all contact. That is so hurtful, I can't even begin to describe how it feels. Devastating, overwhelming, cruel, those are the closest words I think of. I do completely understand when
disengagement occurs in a relationship for extreme reasons, like emotional and/or verbal abuse, addictions, alcoholism, or complete dysfunction and chaos. I'm only referring to adoptees who suddenly, and without warning, decide to permanently sever a long-time relationship they have had with their bmoms.
As you know from my previous posts, my son has requested I never contact him again, after almost 18 years of being reunited with him. He was 18 years old when we reunited, at which time I moved back to my hometown so we could develop our relationship. He will be 36 years old this coming March. So basically, he spent the first half of his life without me, and the second half of his life with me in it. His ability to totally cut me off without any apparent feeling frightens me. To be honest, I've known for a long time that DS has a propensity to cut people out of his life, especially if he feels hurt or disrespected. He has an occasional cold streak in him that I often attribute to his adoption, especially after reading
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. I'm sure he feels in his own head that he's perfectly justified for ending our relationship. But I sure wish he'd share it with me. After 18 years, I do think he owes me that much respect.
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Originally Posted by Blessed2x
There's also probably a little bit of fear in me that once the novelty of the new "kid" wears off, that perhaps I'll be dropped. Or that if they get to really know me, they'll find me annoying - there's not that "cushion" that comes from a lifetime of knowing and loving someone. Perhaps they'll not like that I am such a big reader, or so curious, or cheerful, or private. This is who I am, but they might not like it...
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I think we all have the same fears going into reunion. You'll be surprised at how many of your "annoying" traits actually are traits and characteristics shared with other members of your birth family. Just be yourself, and you'll be fine. Believe me, your bmom isn't going to drop you once the "novelty" wears off! Sure, there are going to be ups and downs in your relationship with her ~ there are good times and bad times in ALL relationships. But with honesty and talking things out (or writing them, even!), you'll develop a strong relationship that can sustain the hard times.
PS: I'm sorry I rambled on so long....
