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Such a good thread..
When I felt that my bson did not want any part of me.. I wrote him an letter saying I was here if he wanted to know me.. and all was well..
He called me back.. a year or so later.. saying he did want to know me..
Now the crux of this for me.. is that I can now be me in the relationship.. I can give myself permission to be me.. when in contact with him..
The good the bad and the ugly.. and the codependent.. and the worry wart.. and all that other stuff..
I am a person of the first order.. and I matter.. and I did the very best I could when I was pregnant with him.. no blame.. no darn blame..
I do not know about sending the gifts or not.. It is very scary.. to send a gift into a situation such as this..
I sent him a painting that I did when I was looking for him.. a personal thing.. an invasive thing.. and maybe this is the worry..
But he said he liked the painting.. It was done in our local museum of women Buda’s from China.. carved from wood..
I would go to this room to meditate when I did not know where he was.. and the painting was done in a watercolor class..
I got so sick of the worries in early reunion.. I got so incredibly sick of them.. I got sick of looking for emails.. worrying that they were lost in a spam box.. I had to take care of me..
I had to put me first.. and if sending the gifts Micki will put you back in the worry hell.. don’t send them.. ah.. that’s maybe the answer..
Take care of you.. give yourself a brake.. or break.. Oh jeez I can never get those words correct.. but they apply here..
That place of worry as to whether doing the right thing or not is hell.. I could not live in that place.. Maybe the back of the closet is the right place.. for those gifts.. because if you do break contact right now.. as per his request.. you can back off and take a breather.. and talk with us.. and sort what happened.. get it straight in your mind and heck not blame yourself.. thinking you had done something wrong.. negative thinking personified..
You are a person of the first order.. that’s an affirmation..
I am so glad that letter helped everyone.. it sure helped me.. when I needed it..
This post is disjointed because I was doing stream of thought writing.. what I love to do.
Jackie
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