[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I am not my bson mother.. not in my thinking.. not in my heart..
I just posted to a newcomer that I gave my bson up the second time.. and that I had to do it in order to survive the reunion..(< not in those exact words)


And that is from the outside in.. someones opinion.. and I have such a problem with someone else’s opinion on terms of relinquishment and reunion and adoption and how I deal with it....
Trigger here.. for me..

I gave him life.. I refused to go for the abortion.. I put myself through..
I am his mother..

Or for some of us we are not mother in heart as well.. their heart..

And mine is slow.. slower than slow..
And my second and third born.. (to tie this into the topic) know I do not ache for contact with my first born son..
I cannot take the pain..


Jackie

Take care of yourself.

I know that before reunion and after, I spent a lot of time screaming and crying. Before reunion I went to every group about adoption I could get time. Birthmother support group every month for more then a years, and every other mother for another year. I wrote down every memory, every question I was not allowed to ask when I was 15. Scream until I thought my heart would break.

I had no idea I had hidden away so much pain, so my sorrow, so much grief.


Even now 10 years after reunion I still find myself crying.
Crying for the lost years. Crying because though he is in my life I can do nothing to make up for what was lost.
When I see him do things, say things, that I would have taught him were not acceptable there is nothing I can say or do to change it.

Not only did they not tell us how much we would be affected by relinquishing, no one tells us how long that pain will last, or that it comes back with a vengence with reunion.

Hugs from me, even if you can't feel them, know that I understand what you are going though.