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Well, our boys are 4 and 6 - we are in an open adoption. We never "sat down" and told them , but we have found many ways to incorporate it into our everyday conversations.
Our boys were never ones to do the whole "was I in your belly" thing, so we didn't have that opening, even when they saw our friends/teachers that were pregnant.
We started when they were babies talking about different ways families were made - not so much for them, but more for us so by the time they were old enough to understand, it would be second nature.
We'd look at pics of their first families and I'd say "Hey - you know, "C" is more than a friend of ours- she is a very special and important part of our family. You see, she was your mommy first, before I was - She loved you more than anything, but she was not able to take care of you the way SHE wanted to. She asked us to be your mommy and daddy and to love you as much as she does..." Then it gradually moved on to more complex things as our oldest son's first mom had another baby, but we take it step by step, and they seem to be really open to our explanations.
The other day, my youngest said, "Mom, I have brown eyes like you and AJ has blue eyes like Dad" and I said you are right - both of our eyes are brown, but you got your beautiful brown eyes from "C" just like I got mine from Gamma - and AJ got his from "D" just like daddy got his from Grandpa W.
I think it's the little explanations that make a difference for our boys - the ones they can actually relate to - like when we were at the park with my oldest son's first mom and her son - the two boys look NOTHING alike, but her little guy had the exact same feet as AJ when he was that age, so we made it a point to compare that.
Whatever way you do this, just do it with confidence - they will follow your cue - if you are comfortable, they will be as well.
Good Luck!
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