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Wonderful post again Jackie, you have such a huge amount of encouragement stored away. I am sure there are many out there who have grown under your hand. I being one of them.
Lsm,
Always nice to hear the words of somebody new. It's like seeing everything through a new set of eyes. So many emotions we have forgotten. I have come full circle, as many of us have, I lost the baby, I found the baby, I lost again. Along the way I found the parts of myself that I had lost, or thought I had lost. I now think that perhaps they were not lost at all, but just hidden away where I thought they could not hurt me. I often wonder if by looking closely at myself was the thing I feared the most. The one thing I have learned through all this is that I am so much stronger than I thought I was. Just to have survived my life, without going crazy or resorting to some mind numbing drug is testament to my strength. I just had to weed through all the junk to see it. I am so glad that I took the time to do it. I always thought I was being the best mother to my children, but what I was really doing was being a picture of the best mother. Never allowing anybody to get close enough to see the cracks, or to make new ones. My children, and husband think I am so strong, but they have no idea how hard it was to keep up that picture. I fought my emotions everyday. If I was hurt, they never knew, if I failed at something, I could cover it so well that it never showed. I was like a machine. It took me years to regain all that I had lost. I now can allow myself a few failures and not let it ruin my whole life. I can ask for help, that was a big one, and not feel like I am less than I should be. Its like being given a second chance to live my life, and I am taking it. A huge amount of the credit goes to the women of this forum who have listened to me struggle through this for years now, and have never given up. Like you, if I can help just one, I feel I will have done a wonderful thing, and will be able to payback at least some of what I have been given.
Colleen
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