|
Julie,
I think that we couldn't see the long term effects, we were too lost in the pain. How could we imagine that years later, all this emotion and loss would change our entire outlook. At the time this happened to us, we were so young, so innocent. I did what I was told was the best thing for the baby. What they said was the best thing for me. I had no idea that it would be the hardest thing I ever did, or that it would effect every relationship I had after that. It was 1975, and there were very few places I could turn to for the emotional help I believe I needed to get through all this. I went to a home where we all acted like good girls, did as we were told, had our babies and left. We did not talk about the adoption to each other, or to anybody else. It just wasn't done. I came from a very small town in the country. Girls who had babies..well you know. We would have done anything, not to be found out. So on top of the pain of loss, we were forced to hide any signs of the babies we had given up. I had no support system, so I sucked it all up. When I look back, I can see exactly how I got to the point I am today. I was powerless to stop it then, and so I am left with trying to deal with it now. I focused all my energy into my children, and I agree, nobody ever said, you are going to screw up your children, if you keep on this way. All I knew was that I had to be the best Mother there ever was. I bought every medical book I could find, and I studied, so I would no exactly what was wrong with my children before they got sick. I even went so far as to take medical classes at the nearby college, so I would be prepared for anything. My children never got sick, they never broke a bone, I wrapped them in cotton and kept them close and safe. In reality I smothered them. Well, at least the first few. I have gotten better since then. I never realized the damage until they were older, and had trouble making decisions with out my help. I never knew the long term effects. How could I, how could any of us. It took me until recently to see what all of this had done to me, to my family. Now we can talk about it, and deal with thing out in the open. I have accepted that I can not protect them from everything, and they have begun to let go. It is working out. It will continue to work out. I just wish I had seen sooner what I know today. I may not be a perfect Mother, but I am doing the best I can. It is the best I can do.
Colleen
|