Rondidondi – It sounds like she has a lot of support and as I said before, is very lucky to have you.
As I said before and I can only relate from my own past & recent experience, I interviewed many councilors and yes, most were more focused on the baby (and therefore adoption) than they were on my niece. I wanted someone who cared more about my niece than the event at hand. Some of the questions I asked were:
“How are you paid?” I was looking for salary – no bonus – no commissions.
“How do you spend your time” – For her, 80% of time is options counseling and helping girls navigate the government services available
“How many of your girls choose adoption” No firm numbers but MOST of her girls choose to parent and she helps them prepare by referring programs and if things go wrong after birth (evictions, parents kick them out, stress, ect.) she is there for them as well.
I spent a lot of time interviewing and found one that I truly believe was unbiased – and yes, she was going to say some things that made me bite my fingers!! I bring this up because I don’t feel that all a-councilors get a fair shake on these forums. I will admit, I met one TERRIBLE a-councilor (talk of foster care threats and placements at McDonald’s) But, in the end, that’s the beauty of having a supportive adult involved. We have no problem recognizing the bad ones and telling them not to call back… (I believe I also suggested a change in her career path as well).
As far as parents having no say, they shouldn’t and don’t – BUT – this has a HUGE impact on their life. They too can end up parenting (albeit in a more passive way) and they don’t have the right to sever ties with a child who is still a minor. There are financial considerations and at the end of the day, the chances of a good outcome are severely diminished without their support regardless of the choice. Parents struggle a great deal and deserve to be recognized, supported and above all, HEARD in this very complicated equation. My initial caution was to be very careful about interference (which you aren’t doing and I applaud).
My niece has chosen adoption and my heart is sick. If she chose parenting my heart would hurt just as much. Nothing is easy and there are losses in either choice. Yes, parents hurt too….
She has a good friend in you. Given my sway towards adoption, I don’t know if this will be helpful in her re-eval (which again, KUDO’s to you for suggesting). My Niece and I did some of the following:
1 – Send her to this website to read stories of teens parenting today:
Life in the Fast Lane--Teen Stories Then we discussed her fears and concerns and out-right denial (“I would never feel that way”)
2 – Printed this and had her read it:
What You Should Know If You're Considering Adoption For Your Baby Again, we discussed her fears and concerns. Since I was a b-mom, I have some insights both good & bad.
3 - Find out how quickly she could finish HS
4 - Figure out the amount of $$ she would qualify for in Student Loans (No way was she NOT going to college – Parents have some say so!! hehehe) FAFSA calculators work great - don’t forget to look for College grants made available by your state). Here’s a FAFSA Calc:
FAFSA4caster - U.S. Department of Education
5 - Then we looked at how much $$ she would get from social services (using her grant money as income and working 10-20hrs a week). She qualified for WIC, food stamps, daycare subsidies, housing vouchers (which I hear take a lifetime to get so we need to get her on a list as soon as she is able) – no TANF due to her grant $$. Father’s contribution was $130-$250/month.
6 - With our income numbers fixed, we worked out a budget (diapers, formula, clothes - for her & baby, daycare etc.)
This gave her an indication of the financial struggles and lifestyle she would be living into for the next 6-8 years.
We also discussed her obligations with regards to an open adoption plan. With OA she is also committing to her child for life. It is not to be taken lightly. If she chooses adoption it will become her job and responsibility to become the person that the baby will be proud to call birthmom. It is also her responsibility to maintain and foster a caring and loving relationship with the a-parents while also maintaining boundaries on both sides. And perhaps the most challenging of all, it is her responsibility to herself to commit to healing which may or may not be a lifelong process.
So I don’t know if any of this will be helpful but thanks for letting me go on so – It helps me anyway…