[Stardust7331]

As with many of you, I have failed at attempts to form meaningful and intimate relationships. Every time I got close to someone my fears and anxieties of abandonment came out and managed to drive the other away. In retrospect, my marriage was kind of a fluke in that I really had no prior romantic interest in this other person, so my anxieties never had a chance to get between us. Plus at the time we became engaged we had actually seen each other for maybe seven days in the previous three years. And we went directly from being friends to being engaged, never went on a date, never made love, no real personal background with this person I was intending to marry. It took me years to realize I really was unhappy in the marriage, and in some ways had only used it for the safety and security I wanted and needed. It was a comfortable place to be where I did not have to worry about driving someone else away with my anxieties and fears. When I finally divorced it was because I realized I never really loved this person. And only recently realized I never fully engaged emotionally or intimately in the marriage. So though I was married I was still a single person in thought and action so my anxieties about truly opening up to someone else and worrying about them leaving me never came out.