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Originally Posted by sbaglio
The expectant mom with whom we are speaking suffers greatly from a lack of resources, and one thing we are wondering is how that will impact our relationship, should we end up adopting her baby. Her life is quite chaotic, and we worry about the impact of this in an open adoption with her.
Have any of you had requests for money (for food, rent, etc) or other type of help from birthmothers who are struggling? I feel we would have a sense of obligation - this would be our child's mother, how could we not help? Then again, I have no idea if there are laws against this AFTER the adoption. How does one navigate the situation, even if we are not asked for help, but sense that help is desperately needed?
Many thanks for your help.
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You are smart to consider these things. As for the effect of her chaotic life on an open adoption, it probably will have an impact. How much will be determined by the boundaries you set in the relationship, IMO.
As much as it may be tempting to "bail her out" of her financial problems, I would strongly recommend against it. For one reason, you are not responsible for her financial situation. If she chooses to place with you, do not let a sense of obligation cause you to start down this slippery slope. Some potential adoptive parents do choose to pay for some living expenses, but not all. It's important to know that a) each state has it's own laws regarding what is allowed, and b) anything you pay for would be "non-refundable" should she decide not to place after the baby is born. Only you can determine what you are willing to risk. I personally, was not willing to pay for living expenses. I felt like it was kind of like "buying" the right to parent her child.
I do not mean this to be harsh. I know that witnessing someone's financial struggle is very difficult, especially when you care about that person.
As for financial help after placement... If this were a family memeber of yours, would you feel the need to provide for him/her? Perhaps looking at the situation from a perspective without the child involved will help. You need to be free from the sense of obligation to "fix" this woman's life. As much as you may tend to think that you owe her after placement, it's not a healthy mindset for you or for her.
If you do enter into this relationship and pursue an open adoption, supporting the birth mom financially will cause a host more problems than her chaotic life ever would.
Best of luck to you as you sort this out!