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Oh, Tlee, as much as I understand exactly how you feel, I have to agree with the others. He is "coming" to you. He doesn't have to do that at all. Even if his reasoning is to ease his guilt or, as you called it, a token visit, it is still an effort, and one he doesn't have to put out.
You mentioned earlier in this thread that you felt like you would never be the daughter to him that your Bsis is. I know that feeling, and I know that pain. As hard as it may be to hear this, it is true for both of us. Our BDads will not see us in the same way they see the daughters they raised. How could they? They didn't see our first steps. they didn't teach us to drive acar. They didn't meet our first boyfriend at the door and see us off on our first date. They weren't there to walk us down the isle on our wedding day. I can't speak for your Bdad, but I know that my Bdad has a lot of guilt, pain, and emotions pertaining to all that, though, it's something he really isn't comfortable talking about. The truth is that he would prefer not to discuss it at all. I think on the inside, though he trys to hide it, it really eats at him, and it's hard for him. No, we may not be the daughters to them our Bsisters are, but that doesn't mean they don't care about us just as much. It doesn't mean we can't have just as meaningful a relationship. Our Bsister had all their lives to build that relationship with them. We've only had a few years.
I know your Bdad has done and said things that have hurt you. My Bdad has said a lot of those stupid things too. In the beginning of our reunion, he would say to people, "Hey, this is the best way to have a kid. Get them after they are already grown, and you have missed all the problems." Hearing that was like a knife in my heart, but I never said anything to him. I know he wasn't saying that to hurt me, or intentionally be insensitive. I think he said that and a few other stupid things because of his own guilt and pain. It was kind of his way of coping with that guilt and pain. Make a joke to hide his true feelings. I think it's a guy thing. He really stinks when it comes to discussing "feelings". lol Just doesn't like it at all, especially if it's about something he feels responsible for. He shuts down emotionally when pushed to "talk".
You and I have done a lot of reading and such to try to understand the pain and guilt of our Bmoms. What about the pain and guilt of our Bdads? I know they don't show it like our Bmoms, but maybe they feel it just the same? If our Bmoms can't deal with our pain, what makes us think our Bdads can? Maybe it's time to step back and re-evaluate some things? You already know your Bdad isn't an "emotional" guy. That's who he is. What if, you let him come visit, and let go of the emotions for this visit? Just leave it be for the moment and enjoy a visit with your Dad. Not as adoptee and biological Dad, but just as people, who want to spend some time together? Ssort of just a back up to start again? Maybe just a little cautious for now, until things feel a little safer?
Only you can decide what is best for you, but just think about it. Good luck. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
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