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Originally Posted by Robin Harritt
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Hi Jannyroo
It's not really the searching for people that is the problem. I find that the easy bit,....It's getting the information that you need to make an informed decision about what is the right way of going about making contact, if indeed making contact is the right thing to do. Robin
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Hi Robin,
I'm making a tentative enquiry here, knowing that there is a lot of pain involved in search. I didn't do the search, my son looked for and found me, so again, forgive me if I'm treading on a sensitive area, but do you mind me asking why you feel you have to have information to make an informed decision?
I ask myself, is there any 'right' way of making contact? Personal question I know, forgive me for treading on areas that may be deeply personal to you, but I hear of many on these boards feeling strongly that its
their family too, why would you feel so reticent about contacting your family?
I know I am a birthmother and I was thrilled to have contact, I truly did not expect it, I felt so worthless giving my son up after this system cornered me, but I almost feel your fear and pain of being rejected. Is that what it feels like for you, or is it other information that has made you doubt that you would be well received? What kind of information would make you feel more confident of approach? If you don't want to say, I can understand, but there is so much pain and anger in your posts, is a thought shared, some pain halved?
My son was brief and to the point, leaving me with a choice. He left the decision with me to contact him with an intermediary contact details if I should so choose. It also was simple and not filled with any emotional expectations other than do you wish contact? and take it from there. It put the ball in my court I guess. I hope I've explained that ok.
In my opinion, that was a smart move, as I
was scared. Scared of what I would find. Suppose for example he was angry with me. So the intermediary, having talked with him, could tell me. It was a gentle way to be introduced to him. I emailed them and they forwarded the email. Telephone conversations didn't come until much later in the game, even after our first F2F.
This is what he wrote:
I am writing this message in regards to finding out if you are (my name as on his birth certificate) who previously lived in (county).I have been trying to locate you through (name of adoption agency). I am not sure if you are the right person, but my name is (adopted name) although I was born as (the name I gave him at birth) on (date of birth).
You can either contact me directly through Friends Reunited or if you would like, through (adoption agency/intermediary - giving name & telephone number) and ask to speak to.... (caseworker name).If on the other hand this message makes no sense to you, please would you be kind enough to let me know so that I can cross you off my list.
Yours sincerely
I hope this may contribute to any ideas you may have on approaching your bfamily,
Warmest wishes
sincerely,
jannyroo