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Originally Posted by kakuehl
Ah Janny, I'm so sorry you heard what I wrote as telling you off. All I meant by being a broken record was that I seem not to have much new to say and fear I'm not being at all helpful which is my goal. I truly believe that our expectations do take on a life of their own and sometimes get in the way of our relationships. I do find myself mourning my expectations of various relationships in my life.
Again... Janny, I hear your struggles and frustrations and wish I had help for you. I am not in your situation and can never truly say I understand, because I'm not you! I do hear your pain, and that last thing I want to do is to add to it.
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Dear Kakhuel,
thanks for clearing that up, because I sometimes wonder how I perceive things and whether it is that that is driving me up the creek with my son, father, significant others etc so I feel its always best to ask. I think certain expressions can remind me of what people have said in the past, and your 'old record' was used in a way of "do I have to tell you again?" so apologies for misunderstanding you.
As to my situation, I'm finding that my feelings are so overwhelmingly angry (and forgive me if I came across like that to you). I think Keds went through/is going through something similar and to cope with it, I find that I'm spending hours and hours just thinking. With no tv, no radio, nothing, just me alone with me and I have found it therapeutic .. of sorts.
One thing I do have difficulty with is trying to remember, even a few years back. Its as if my memory is in permanent shutdown. An event, comes, happens, was pleasant, archived, finished, period. Does anyone else experience this?
I know now that I am on government benefits due to poor health and no longer can afford them, that I DID have holidays, but can I remember them? NO! Am I hoping that my son can be more involved in my life, and fulfil something? Yes! Will it happen? Groan, who knows???? I'm pushing for a bruising, but I need to have my needs fulfilled as well, he's had his fulfilled for a massive amount of time in this reunion and now I'm making demands on him, sort of.
I did something crazy lately, I asked him for a present. I just felt I HAD to have something that he'd given me, goodness knows why, it was SO STRONG the feeling, the expectation that I'm going to lose him at any minute. I also felt this reunion has been one way for way too long and I'm increasingly exasperated. He's emailed me to say that he was in the car his friend crashed and then nil response to my frantic emails asking what happened. 2½ weeks later, he decides to phone me, then I got to hear what happened.
I've recently told him off for doing that and for something else too, so maybe I'm more of a mother than I think????? (single and becoming a parent at the age of 49, now 51, is NOT easy! LOL). I'm certainly in parent mode at the minute, where I expect him to hate me and switch off in a kind of "huh" mood, but I don't care, he needs to hear it.
Anyway, I'm warbling on, thanks for your PM. I'm glad the air is cleared so to speak. Thanks again for your replies and for listening.
(((hugs)))
Jannyroo