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Originally Posted by Roosmama
You are right...and yet as it turns out I was justified in being concerned. My thinking was that all of the negativity surrounding adoption - and there is a lot of negativity out there - was somehow affecting how T felt about herself and about me. One of my biggest fears having an open adoption is that when DS is old enough to be rebellious, T might encourage that rather than siding with and supporting us as his parents. Knowing her as well as I do, I don't think that will happen - she's really a sensible person, and supports us wholeheartedly at the moment. But what if she did start to regret her decision? What if she got to a place where people convinced her she would have been a better parent and should have kept him? Would that affect how she interacts with DS later on?
When DH read her e-mail, his first question to me was, "She doesn't still have any legal rights here, does she?" So it had us both concerned along the same vein. As it turns out, T has been communicating with some first moms who are very bitter and resentful. Some are in "open adoptions" where the adoptive parents have cut off contact, so many of these women are distrustful of all adoptive families. Fortunately, T isn't easily influenced. But we did talk some things out. The label thing isn't a huge deal to me - I do have trouble with natural mom b/c of the other implications, but T understands that and is perfectly fine with first mom, and I'm transitioning over to that term just fine. It was the possible underlying issues that concerned me from the beginning, and it really just boiled down to communication.
It's appalling how much negative information on adoption is out there. I only hope the positive information is equally convincing.
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I really don't want to argue about this because in this post you are talking about your feelings, those of fear of what might happen someday if a child rebels. Legitimate emotion for you, for all of us. No one should downplay an emotion anyone has.
But the other side of it is from my perspective, that I for one won't judge someone else's emotions either, or their journey for that matter, and at least from my perspective, the first mothers of my children are on their own journey that will probably take them through bitterness/resentment/regret/etc and who am I to say that they shouldn't feel what they feel. It's what they feel. If I don't give them the space to explore the emotions they are feeling, how will they ever find their way through to more fully come to terms with their decisions to choose adoption for their children.
From my perspective and my own journey, I have come to the conclusion that all I can do is parent my children the best I can, to help them understand adoption in all its range of emotions, to be open to it all, to let them feel it all, which includes both negative and positive feelings. Hard to face but true.
ANd I definitely have my days when I'm trying to come to terms with this all myself, when the fear of what might happen in the future gets the best of me. ANd I have to accept the fact that it is a part of it all, but it can't change the final outcome which is that, in the relationships I chose to enter, I have to do what I can to make them work all the while protecting my children from the stuff they can't handle right now. Fine line for sure and somedays it scares the crud right out of me. But I still have to do it because not only did my children's other mothers choose adoption for their children, but I chose to parent children through adoption, and this is all part of it, messy as it all is.
((((((Many, many hugs Roomama)))))).... I am so glad you had the chance to talk to T about all this. I for one wish I would have that opportunity in the relationships with the first families of my children. And I applaud you for the way you handled it, talking to her openly and honestly about your concerns and listening to hers. I hope when (and I don't mean if... because it will happen in my situations too most probably) I'm faced with this, I can do the same.