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Hi Beth,
As you know our experiences with reunion have been different. D & I have been in reunion for 2 years now, it remains a comfortable relationship with not a lot of deep sharing. Very rarely are we alone together. His wife and I IM almost daily (she usually initiates). D has said I can call any time, but I know how busy he is and I hate to interrupt. Luckily we live comparatively close and I do get the opportunity to attend family gatherings. (What's a 6 hour trip for a 2 hour gathering after all!) If I am invited, I will do my best to attend. One side effect is that I've gotten to know his (a)parents better.
Good as the relationship is, there is still pain for me (I can't say about D because he doesn't talk about his feelings). I love having a relationship with him and getting to watch his children grow up but there is a part of me that mourns what I missed. Since reunion it's also become more apparent to me how much placing him for adoption has affected all the relationships in my life: husband, children, etc.
Beth, I don't know how your bmom has dealt with her experience of birth and adoption. I can't speak for her, but there are birth mothers who have recognised that they are suffering from PTSD. They are amazed and confused because an event they have longed for (and thought would be wonderful) has brought out a lot of feelings they didn't expect. I have no clue if that's happening with J, btw, just that it's a possiblity.
BTW, I have learned that if I want to talk to my (widowed) father, I need to call him around 10pm. Any other time of the day and I'm likely to get his answering machine. (Occasionally, he goes away and forgets to let us know...)
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