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Originally Posted by cnb1099
I decided to bump this thread up. I am now a year and a half into a reunion which has been, trying and emotional, and totally exasperating to say the least. My "advice" to myslef when I started this thread was that I needed to be patient because the outcome was worth the wait...now I am starting to have my doubts.
Anyone have any comforting words of wisdom for me?  |
Hi Beth,
Yes, I would like to offer some comforting words for you. I am a bmother 1½ years into reunion and I am at the stage you describe. I have been volcanic in the past few weeks and I think others on this forum have calmed me down. Reunion has got to be the most abnormal thing for any human being to fathom with so little information and counselling (that should be free by the way) to help us through it. Everyone's situation is so unique, as every person involved in reunion is also unique, so that makes it doubly hard, as one persons experience may work and another it may not.
Patience has never been my middle name and boy have I had to learn it, but I do think that Kune has it right when she says don't second guess - ASK. Patience is one thing, but moving on a stage is entirely another. Patience alone is not enough for reunion. There has to be openness and that takes courage, not everyone can lay it on the line and say "this is how I feel". Obviously it has to be worded right, and any anger needs to be worked through before reunion, or if not, has to go through an adoption counsellor. Destructive emotions that need to come out can destroy any reunion, as everyone needs to know what each side is going through IMHO.
I think the Adoption Reunion Survival Guide is great for listing qualities that we need to practise (I say practise 'cos no-one is going to get it right first time). She also mentions ignorance and insensitivity - not particularly nice to be on the receiving end of, can stumble and terminate reunion as its too overwhelming. ah here it is, page 5 "regardless of what you absorb from these pages, one message will remain consistent throughout. Enter your reunion with caution, compassion, responsibility, and patience. If you exercise these four principles then you will know that you have entered your reunion honorably, regardless of its outcome". She points out that there is also stages of grief to work through. It dawned on me that we may be alive, but my son and I have had to acknowledge our grieving together for the lost years... then moved on. Each person may not be able to reach the same stage, so the reunion has to go at the pace of the slowest. When you think of it, walking in a mountain is the same for the safety of the person at the back. Its no good tearing ahead and realising that you've left someone behind....?
Also the book mentions the unexpected emotions. I have had some from contacting my father. This has sidelined my emotions and made my reunion with my son very difficult as I struggle to cope with the feelings and unresolved emotions that my father has. On page 58 Bailey & Giddens mention the post honeymoon period - says:
As the relationship moves out of its honeymoon phase, you may be overwrought with emotions. You may even feel that its your fault that the other person has reduced the frequency of contact. In the post honeymoon phase, participants frequently try to second guess what the other person is thinking and feeling (see Kune's posts on this - she advises ask outright, take the guessing out of it). Likewise you need to appreciate what you've been able to accomplish in the relationship. And like a typical family, sometimes there is frequent contact and other times there is distance and pause. As you realise that that freuqency in contact has nothing to do with the love you feel and/or receive, you will move through this stage of emotional conflict and finally feel comfortable in your relationship.
I think expectations too are hard to deal with. After 19 months now into reunion, I sooooo want to meet my son again, but his defense mechanisms are getting in the way. Does any of this touch you in any way?
I think an adoptee needs to have their feelings validated and yet maybe are too scared to tell their moms how they really feel. So much tentative stuff. How do you feel? Do you feel your bmom understands your pain, your suffering, your frustration with her or yourself or both?
My son has exasperated me to the n'th degree and it can work the other way around for an adoptee like yourself. You say that you have founded your ability to come through reunion on patience, but can you express yourself as to what you are in fact frustrated with at the minute? That sure would help me to give some encouragement to you. This post will express some feelings, but based on very limited information about you as a person and how you have found reunion to date?
I sometimes think it would be good to have a section for each forum member where we can leave a general overview for ourselves, so for example, you'd find under Jannyroo - bmom x months into reunion and a small profile to set the scene? If any administrator is reading this, would that be possible? As reading posts can be so time consuming as well as exhausting emotionally. There is only so much we can take on board, reach a saturation level.
I think that for any adoptee and bmom, the problem is with wanting to be who you really are, anger, frustrations, good sides and bad sides of our personalities and all, rather than what you think is expected of you. I think this rings far more true for adoptees who have struggled with their identity and have played the chameleon within their adoptive families (if one accepts what Nancy Verrier says) and the false self.
For a bmother, she will be frightened of saying anything that will push their child away now that they have been reunited. For an adoptee, they have anger inside them and frustration of wanting to bond with their bmother with defense mechanisms in the way. So many brick walls to work through and so many things in the way. Its hardly surprising that some reunions fail, I've felt the same way from time to time. I've just sent an email to my son to say how disappointed I was not to hear from him since my being in A&E (hospital). I've asked him outright that I would like to receive x, y, z from him. I've told him that I'm about to blow the roof with frustration. Obviously this could send him off for another pullback, but I have to have some confidence at this stage that he can take this aspect of my personality - I'm explosive with frustrated emotion. How would you feel if you expressed yourself this way. Are you an emotional or quieter person? Forthright or retiring? Is your bmom like you? Oh I feel for you, its so hard to get to this stage, because as my son gets to trust me and feel more for me, he pulls back more and that sends me into downward spiral. Whilst he's in regular contact with me (say once per 2 weeks) I can be all that he needs from me. I'm settled and can be the mom he wants. But when the pullbacks or perhaps it should be called emotional re-evaluation time is needed - oh! that is soooo hard, and I go to pieces.
It must be hard for an adoptee to come to terms with reunion when they are not sure who they are, where they get their mannerisms, thoughts, attitudes from.
Beth, what books have your read if any? Have you had your feelings validated by your bmother? Do you know where those feelings come from and why? Have you read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier? So many thousands of adoptees have reported back how much she understands what they are going through. Do you understand what reunion means for your bmother? So many questions, sorry, I so want to leave something here for you so that you feel encouraged.
Who are you in touch with on this forum? The reason I ask this, is because I have had some VERY valuable info from e.g. FauxGina as to how adoptees feel, I also am in touch privately (i.e PM's and personal emails) with adoptive mom's and also other bmom's. It gives me a perspective that helps me judge the situation with my own son, but I also apologise to him when I feel I've got it wrong, got too heavy, etc. Anything that goes wrong can be repaired you know,as we are all dealing with imperfect people that so want the relationship to work, but can get sidelined by other events in their lives????
I hope this will prompt you to respond or you can PM me, I would love to be able to encourage you. I have so much to say, but limited time.
Take care
(((Hugs)))) remember this could be the plateau phase - equivalent of the reunion doldrums. No wind blowing, not going anywhere - or so it seems. We've had a lifetime apart and we all expect to be able to get it together in less than 2 years. Whilst understandable, its not achievable. Too many emotions, complex. The most successful reunions I've been told are those that take things slowly.... are things going too slowly for you Beth? Let me know. Be assured that we have enough depth and breadth on these forums, there is bound to be someone who can say something that will help.... (((hugs))) and some
Jannyroo