[debsdone]

If there continues to be such an emphasis on the adoption angle of everything, all that happens is that a scapegoat is created. Toughlove is a parenting technique. There is absolutely no abandonment involved, the opposite is true. It require MUCH more active parenting, as a child acting out like your son, obviously needs. Not all kids are cookie cutter kids. His adoption does not necessaraly have anything to do with his behavior, although his genetics DOES. It IS possible to control these behaviors. It requires much hard work and hands on, not some silly sentiments. Please try to get advice from people who have actually dealt with this, as parents. Not book learning, or friend of a friend stuff. This is way too serious to believe that love will cure it. That is a trap that has killed many kids who act out in this way. If you didn't love him, you wouldn't be asking for help, right? So obviously that hasn't helped to date. The saying is that : If you continue to do what you always have done, you will continue to have what you always have had. The basis of toughlove is that, "Creating strong boundries can precipitate a crisis. From CONTROLLED crisis can come positive change" There is nothing even remotely resembeling abandonment. This is a statement made about toughlove often, by people who have absolutely no experience of knowledge about the program. You have to be willing to really parent, and it is hard. People who speak of love and trust are avoiding the realities of teenagers. they NEED structure and boundries, some more than others. Your son has demonstrated what he needs, it is now a matter of determining how to go about getting it to him. Love, Debi