He may be "faking" the bond to punish you (female mom role, not personal)
In an older child adoption, there will always be "bonding issues" depends on the severity whether it is RAD.
I didn't bond to my dd the way i wanted to for close to 3 yrs.
Go to
Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN and also
Attachment Disorder information and support at ATTACh.org. to look for attachment therapists.
First steps are, no not allow ANYONE else to meet his needs...he needs to learn that YOU provide for him....and YOU are the only way his needs will be met. Schedule cuddle time on your terms....rocking and feeding him sweet things. If you don't feel like it, fake it. Eventually you'll begin to feel it. Get on some mild meds like wellbutrin for example....takes the edge off and makes your emotions a bit harder to reach (did for me anyway).
Keep in mind, bonding is a process...if he shows immediate affection to anyone it is most likely false. Do not allow him to see you hurting until you can be sure it is NOT his goal to hurt you. basically remove all your triggers from his reach. Have your hubby defer to you in all situations...if he needs a drink, hubby gets asked, and tells son to have YOU get it for him. No trust can be built if there is NO situation to prove your trustworthiness. How can you prove you'll meet his needs if you never have the chance to meet them.
Keep in mind his rejection of you is due to your role in his life...not you the person. He is rejecting "the mom"... tell yourself that each time...and rejoice that he sees you as "the mom" to be rejected...if you didn't matter, he wouldn't bother. (just look at the female neighbor/sitter whoever, they don't matter and he knows it.)
It is ok to take some time to get used to your NEW JOB. I didn't even feel anything positive for 9 months (not a coincedence).
If you beat yourself up, you'll never heal. Give yourself permission to go thru the transition. Motherhood is hard enough without added guilt. And when you hear yourself thinking negatively about yourself, ask if it were said out loud, by anyone else, how would you react? would you tolerate such emotional abuse from another person?