Your story breaks my heart...and is hitting way too close to home. In 2003, we had a newborn placed with us....after 15 very rocky months, we were able to adopt him. I was totally naive.....I thought this was normal, then we had a 2nd newborn placed with us, who returned home after 4 months. We let our license lapse because we realized we were not cut out for this path. To this day, I go in and check on my son, now nearly 4.5, and I still cry a few times a week so thankful that everything turned out well for us, knowing that it was more likely it should not have. I have thought more than once, that I would not have lived a normal life had my first baby been removed from my arms. I don't know what I would do without him. So...I semi-understand your grief. I am so sorry for your pain and loss, and so saddened by what your daughter must be going through. It is not wrong to want to be a mother, and it is not wrong that you desire to continue to parent this child you have cared for and loved for SO long. You have every right to be upset, angry, sad, and disappointed. Please make sure that you take some time for yourself, and for your husband who also sounds like he is hurting alot, also. Please continue to come here for support, or seek out other foster/adopt parents in your area who may have gone through a similar experience. Often times, foster family agencies have support groups, so at the very least you may want to call the nearest one (even if it was not yours) and see if they have a group you can meet with. While nothing will ever replace your daughter, it is easier to get through the week knowing you have a family you can call who understands your pain and will listen to you.
Hang in there. I know it is hard....and I am so sorry!
