DH and I have been the foster parents to two toddler boys (1/2 brothers) who are 3 and 2 years old. The boys were removed from their biomom's care in March of this year. They came to live with us in July- we are their sixth placement (not counting several respite "placements"). The boys biomom's TPR trial was Monday and she lost her parental rights. The case focused on the severe neglect of the boys- the social worker stated that in her 30 years as a social worker she had never seen boys so neglected and so delayed developmentally.
The good news is that since the boys have been with us they have both made remarkable progress. The three year old came to us as a little boy who had no idea what it meant to be a little boy- lots of autistic like behaviors (especially self injurous behavior-head banging, biting himself etc), aggression issues, did not know how to use eating utensils, not toliet trained, did not speak except to mimic or echo what someone else said, did not know how to play, and did not sleep through the night. The two year old (he just turned 2 a couple of weeks ago, so he was 21 months then) was completely disconnected, did not interact with anyone, was fascinated with turning light switches on and off and could focus on that activity for 30 minutes or more if not interrupted.
Truthfully, we spent the first two weeks just trying to keep them safe and keep our pets and us safe!!!
Now, the three year old is talking, walking better (severe fine and gross motor delays), is able to use eating utensils with some proficiency, potty trained in three days (!!!), is able to undress and dress himself with minimal assistance, has not displayed any aggression towards himself or others in well over two months- truly an amazing little guy who is a joy to be around! Of course, he is getting a lot of PT, OT, Speech, and is in a Early Childhood Developmental Delay classroom two days a week. Nothing we can do about his flat head, but he does have braces on his feet now to help him walk.
The two year old is also doing better...much more interactive, starting to use some speech, is walking better with the braces on his feet, using a fork an spoon, off the bottle....still lots of raging temper tantrums and still wanting to self stim a lot...but much better.
My question is this: what is their risk for attachment disorder? Also, what can we do to help faciliate attachment with both boys? They are likely to be here a long time (fathers parental rights still need to be terminated) and we do hope to adopt them...but since both boys are members (or eligible to be members) of a native american tribe, ICWA applies.
We have been rocking both boys to sleep at night...they are starting to relax and it is not taking nearly as long as it did before we started rocking...but neither boy likes to make eye contact and neither boy likes to be held unless it is on their terms...
now there is some indication that biomom held them down and screamed in their faces a LOT, as well as forced them to look at her by grabbing their heads and their ears...so their aversion to eye contact is understandable...but we are still concerned with attachment. Especially since the three year old will literally walk away with anyone who smiles at him.....I constantly have to watch him when we are out and about as if someone smiles at him, he will follow them wherever they go (he once tried to follow a young mom and her kids out the door at Burger King).
We have never fostered before, and previous to accepting these boys we have been on a waiting list to adopt internationally for over a year, so we are very inexperienced when it comes to foster care and foster adopt.(long story, desperate phone call from distant relative who is their SW who had no where to place these guys as none of their placements were working out due to their needs and behavior problems). However, six moves in 4 months seems to me a big red flag for attachment issues, especially in light of the neglect and abuse they suffered in their biomom's home (she basically strapped them into baby carriers, car seats, or locked them in a room most of the time).
If you have stuck with me through this long rambling post, I would certainly appreciate any advice or suggestions you might have....
angelsunday
foster mom to Hoss, 3 years old
and Little Joe, 2 years old
