[DCMomLady]

I agree with the previous posters. You are the mom and have been almost all of that little girl's life. You may be confusing her every time you call her your "niece" because she knows that all the other women who do what you do are called "mom" and their little girls are all named "daughter".

In the beginning, when my daughter was still preverbal, I talked very openly about the adoption so she would get used to the word -- and, so all the relatives would recognize that we had become the family unit and the bioparents were blessed history.

With my daughter, we just encouraged her to think about adoption in terms she could understand in relation to her favorite dolls and movies. Her cabbage patch doll has adoption papers and a birth certificate that proves who she is. And she can relate to Stuart Little and other movie characters who found their real family after being separated from their biological parents (whatever the reason).

My daughter has always been on a first-name basis with her biomom, even before CPS became involved and the shake-up happened to our family tree. Because she hadn't called my niece "mom", it was easy for my daughter to make up her own mind about it. She began calling me "mom" even before permanent custody was transferred to us -- she was still in the foster home, calling the foster mom "auntie".

When my preschooler learned where babies come from, she asked if she had grown in my tummy. I thought that was the perfect time to explain that she had grown in my niece's tummy right under her heart, and how excited we had all been about her arrival in our (extended) family.

I showed my daughter the photos of a very pregnant "J" and the pictures we took when she came home from the hospital. There are so many pictures that include me and my husband that it's been easy for my daughter to feel comfortable with the idea that she was born to some kind of "team".

At 5, I think my daughter is too young to want the real (awful) truth about the break-up of her original family. She's happy to feel like she was loved and shared by all her parents, even though she hasn't seen biodad since she was 1 or biomom since she left the state a year ago.

At least, she'll never be caught off-guard by anyone's surprise declaration that I'm not her "real" mother. She knows just how real I am! And when it comes time for people outside the family to learn that she was adopted, it will be her decision to make and her truth to tell.

Intra-family adoption is a tangled web, but it only gets messy when we choose deception over the truth.

And re: people who remark that she doesn't look like you or your biochildren -- I recommend you try very hard to ignore their ignorance and say something benign like, "Isn't it wonderful how unique each child can be?" I never tell outsiders that my daughter is adopted, despite the fact that I'm 50 years older than she is and some would say it's pretty obvious she can't be mine. I just say how blesssed we were to be surprised by parenthood at our age. The absolute truth. Only once has anyone been rude enough to push for details about my late-in-life pregnancy and I just told her that I never feel comfortable discussing my personal life with strangers.

I hope my experience offers something that can help you, knicho30.

Best of luck with your adoption,

DeeCee